The Force…
For many years when I to had to tackle a huge task, especially a stressful situation, I would resort to my super hero powers. I channeled something to the likes of Xena Warrior Princess. I’d have the grit and energy of a fierce mama bear protecting her cubs but I’d be glowing sexy hot donning a leather skirt and bikini top. Fighting for the greater good while kicking ass!
When I wasn’t channeling Xena, I comfortably fell into my other mode; the Gumby mode. Gumby was cute and flexible and a perfect shade of green. Gumby bends over backward with ease, happily putting others needs in front of his/her own. BUT when I became Gumby, I’d ultimately stretch myself too thin and become no good to anyone. Flexibility was a exhausting!
There was no middle mode or neutral gear. I was either Xena or Gumby or kinda of blank; lights on but no one home. Emotions were tucked away for another time because I had little time (or desire) to feel unsettled. It was quite exhausting to jump from one extreme to the other but I knew no other way. It wasn’t like my friends and I were talking about these things. We all had perfect lives; or so we thought.
Attention please: That was then and this is now. Xena and Gumby have been retired!
Giving myself permission to operate differently was the first step in this transformation. It required a leap of faith! I was venturing outside of a comfortable operating system and playing around with an unvalidated update! I had to believe that I had the capacity and the ability to deal with a wider range of emotions. I had to willingly sit with my emotions; even the ones that are uncomfortable. I vowed to remain openhearted and committed.
Happily I discovered that my new operating system included a super hero power which I affectionately call, “THE FORCE”. The force is like a blanket of reassurance which grounds me while at the same time, unveils a vast resource of possibility. I feel an energy surge around me, whispering “slow down”. I am able to weigh the options and remain authentic; objective and compassionate. I don’t have to become a warrior because my power is confident, quiet and as such is far more effective.
Is learning a new skill easy? Heck no. Operating in a new mode is like learning a new skill. It takes practice so I have to remind myself all the time to focus on my progress. I am not going to beat myself up striving for perfection. I allow myself to feel and there are times when I am overwhelmed so I have to take a break to refresh myself by not thinking or feeling anything at all. Other times I embrace the FORCE and let the whoop ass fly!
The Force helps me find WHAT IS TRUE. Isn’t that what really matters– the TRUTH?
I know, you are probably wondering...
My Favorite Things: a gifting guide
This is what I know. There are three important things that I can give you, whether you are a loved one or a total stranger. Can you guess what they are? No fancy wrapping paper is required and it won’t break the bank yet the impact of these gifts can last a lifetime. This is the most exquisite gift I can give you! And when the gift is reciprocated, you will feel awesome!
1. ? 2.? 3.? Read on, my friend!
TIME I’ll give you my time including my undivided attention. My ears and mind are open to whatever you want to share. I will listen and if you want me to, I’ll tell you what you want to know. I’m interested in what YOU….your fears, your dreams, your daily do’s.
A SMILE Your eyes dance and your face softens when your lips spread into a smile. We may not see each other often, or more than once in a lifetime, but we can share a magical moment through your ageless smile. Everyone smiles in the same language.
APPRECIATION A simple thank you. I won’t be too busy to express my sincere gratitude for the little things you do. These words are the most needed yet easily forgotten. I won’t take you for granted. You are among my greatest blessings.
These are the gifts I am sharing with my friends and family as well the stranger who may become my friend.
Spare the stress and breathe. You have everything you need to make your life and the lives of others complete. Happy Gift Giving.
Give time. Give smiles. Show appreciation. Nothing could be sweeter….
From the heart,
Cara
The Premeditation Game
I love word games. How many words can you make from the letters found in the word “EXPECTATIONS”? I’ll get you started with a few: pectin, cape, exact, noise. Here is one I bet you didn’t guess, “RESENTMENT”. Is the saying true that, “expectations are premeditated resentment”? I hadn’t heard this phrase before today so I decided it was time for a little research and then what I love to do best, tell you a story.
ME: First of all, I have to admit I am a bit confused about something. Isn’t it normal to have expectations?
The blond: “It’s a given—you are born with expectations. If I expect to be disappointed, I am usually disappointed. I like to go into a situation knowing what I am going to get out of it. Not that I am a control freak or anything.”
ME: Well, this is depressing. Where is the spontaneity or the fun? Negative thoughts lead to negative actions; a self-fulfilling prophecy. I either consciously or subconsciously influence you (and myself) to behave in a way that confirms my prediction. Another human tendency—-wanting to be right!
The blonder: “What? “
ME: OK, I will let go of my negative expectations but why can’t I hold on to the positive expectations? I will influence you in a positive way, right?
Yoga girl: “It’s complicated. You can’t control another person (as much as I have tried this is true) but it has been proven that if teachers make a student feel competent, they will perform better. Focus on what you can contribute rather than what you will receive. Encourage the behavior you want to see and let go of the outcome.
ME: Let go of what? This is a whole other subject but I am starting to see that holding any expectation is a set up. OK, I will not hold on to any negative or positive expectations. Is this what enlightened grownups are supposed to do?
Salvation Army man: “Why not just be thankful, pretty lady?”
ME: Now we’re getting somewhere. Rather than setting expectations, I need to find my gratitude. Everything I need is here and now. (Oh geez, I sound like a Hallmark card!) Can I really replace expectations with gratitude?
New Mom: “I am not sure but I did put a cute sign on my front door that says, “Leave your shoes and bad attitude outside.”
ME: I believe I have confirmed that holding expectations lead to a multitude of negative feelings including resentment. Rather than wishing for a behavior or outcome, I will simply enjoy the moment. I’ll find something to appreciate rather than judge. I’ll ease into the present moment, taking what I like and leaving the...
Picking up the Pieces
The dictionary says a fracture is the separation of an object into pieces under stress. A fracture reduces strength and inhibits the transmission of light.
We are all fractured by traumatic events, especially the events of our childhood. As much as we wish them away or deny they exist, they shape how we communicate; they influence the people we associate with and ultimately shape our self-image. We can’t escape the impact of a fracture.
Not all fractured people or “FRACLES” as I have termed them, are poisonous monsters. The Fracle spectrum ranges from quirky (just a few buttons you don’t want to push) all the way to the “No Go Narcissist” (you should be amazed they even have time to talk to your lowly self). Here is the dangerous correlation. The more fractured or Fracled, the stronger the pull may be to get involved. WARNING: stay in your own lane, Girlfriend! Follow me? Danger– you are not the fixer upper fairy!
One of the best descriptions I have seen of FRACLES and the people who love them appears on Natalie’s website http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. She talks about how we can be Renovators (partner needs a makeover and a little fixing up) or Florence Nightingales (partner needs healing, helping and your love cures all).
She quotes in a recent post, “Unfortunately, believing that you have superhuman powers is what has you repeatedly returning to the same relationship crime scene, going out with the same guy in a different package, and taking on fixer-upper projects that leave you hungry and hurt.”
I don’t think I realized how enticing the allure of a fixer upper relationship was in my early twenties. Even in my thirties I wasn’t looking inward and satisfying my own needs. It wasn’t until my fabulous forties that I started to see the imbalance. As I focused on my needs and identified my values, I created space and this space facilitated healthier decision making. I am able to let go (work in progress!) without resentment and anger because through these experiences, I have become a better person. Thank you, Fracles!
This sounds like very black and white thinking but let me point out the difference between fractured individuals and FRACLES. A Fracle doesn’t recognize their blueprint is damaged and therefore cannot take corrective action. Fracles like to blame, judge and manipulate others because it is the only they to operate. You are the problem– not them!
I am fractured and I own it. I shine my diffracted light to create a kaleidoscope of pattern and color. I welcome it. I own it.
Let it be known on this twenty fourth day of October, I proclaim that I will no longer befriend someone for “something to do or someone to save”.
Let’s be clear, I am not looking for perfection (perfect =...
Hello People, Life is Short
“You were the quiet one back then; and perfectly confident. So smart. I thought of you as perfect.” WHO ME? Are you sure you’re talking about me? I have no recollection of ever being described this way let alone feeling confident! “Now you are the life of the party, a sexy mama!” Well….. I guess you ARE talking about me! Thank you, thank you!
These comments were made last weekend at my 30th high school reunion. The common denominator is that we grew up in a small town and shared those very long and uncomfortable adolescent years together. Those were the years when you were supposed to be growing up….LOL. If only we had known that growing up was a lifelong process!
And where did that “perfect” comment come from? I told my friend that I put up a good facade but inside I wasn’t sure about anything or anyone. I was constantly measuring myself against all of the others. Confidence was my outer mask. I could play the part but not live the life.
Despite where life took us after graduation, we continue to share experiences. The most striking commonality is that we all have lost friends and family members far too soon. The reminder to live each day to the fullest couldn’t be clearer. Who cares about waistlines and hairlines or square footage and bank balances when you could tell someone how much they mean to you? One classmate lost her husband to ALS earlier this year. Luckily he was able to stay in his home until he passed. Another classmate buried her son a year ago. We also took a moment to honor the eight classmates that have died since graduation.
Hello people, Life is short.
I organized this reunion from California so that I could “pay it forward”. When my Dad passed away last year, the people of my hometown kindly came forward to help my family. In gratitude, I wanted to do something to show my appreciation. I don’t want to be remembered as the beauty queen, the smart girl, the perfect one or even the sexy mama! I hope that someone will say that I was a kind person or the person who inspired them to believe in their potential. This is what matters to me. This is what mattered to my Dad.
My Dad died at the young age of 67 and I really miss him. Remember, life is short. Please take the time to do something special for someone today. Call a friend you haven’t connected with in a long time. Hug your loved ones. Drop grudges and consider forgiveness for YOUR sake. Laugh out loud.
We don’t know if we will have tomorrow so make today your best day yet. PAY KINDNESS FORWARD!
From the heart,
Cara
Pausing for Poise
When I am stressed, I have to organize something. It used to be my kid’s schedule or a friend’s life—anyone or anything that felt out of control and could use an intervention. I really liked fixing people!!!!! Now I’m wiser so I organize a drawer, a closet or my giant purse. No more people—just things. I’m immediately satisfied when I complete a project. I apply my energy to something that actually needs my attention!!!!!! ……and I swear I hear a tiny “thank you” whispered back in return.
Organizing projects are meditative strategies that calm me down. While my hands and eyes are busy, I am able to block out the thoughts that plague me. Is it living in denial? Maybe, but it’s temporary. I’m pausing my reality and giving respite to my brain.
I should elaborate that not all pauses are sitting with crossed legs and closed eyes. Pausing is a taking a break from a thought pattern.
Why is it so important to pause?
1. I may regret what I say or do if I don’t step back from a situation. The more emotional we are, the less we function cognitively. I know we can all relate to sending an email too quickly or running our mouth before the brain engages!
2. A pause will quiet my senses and re-calibrate my emotional state.
3. The pause will allow me space to discover what is really going on in my head and my heart. The truth will bubble up if given the opportunity. This is where my Girlfriend Voice resides.
4. A pause allows me time to recognize and sit with my feelings. I don’t really like this one however it beats living in denial or bottling it up.
5. A pause allows me to change my thinking. Aha! I can actually change the recorded voice in my head.
Learning to pause has positively impacted other areas of my life.
I have more patience (stop laughing, I started with zero). More is still more than zero!
I feel like it is OK to say NO. Saying YES all the time is exhausting.
I am a better listener because I don’t have to fix you or your problem.
The biggest impact is that once I create space, I can identify what I need to let go of and what needs immediate attention.
If you are one of my A-type friends, you may poo-poo any suggestion of mediation. A good place to practice a pause may simply begin with sitting silently for three minutes; paying attention to your breathing. Are there other easy ways to slip a pause into your day? When I am waiting for a document to open on my laptop, I breathe deeply. It is only a few seconds but I feel refreshed. When I feel my face tighten with angst, I know to keep my mouth shut! When I lay down at night, I make a quick mental list of things to be thankful for.
Go out and find the pause…..find the...
