The “D” word; Redefined
On Friday I spent the day in bed with a cold. Sitting quietly, for an entire day is not easy for me. I’m tired but not tired enough to sleep and I have the attention span of a five year old so reading a novel is out of the question. Journaling was the only activity that fit my state of mind so I jotted down some notes on life.
I noticed that my mind kept coming back to the topic of “disability”. First of all, the word “DISABILITY” really irks me. Yes, there is a “limitation” but is this person really without ability? If you have a physical limitation, it is easier for me to identify your limitation, but what about a limitation that I cannot see?
According to the National Institute of Mental Health, tens of millions of American experience mental disorders every year but only a small fraction receive treatment. Serious mental illness effects one in four families.
What about a brain injury caused by a car accident, a hit and run mind you, which results in severe headaches? Or my coworker with fibromyalgia who has good and bad days, but still shows up to work despite her pain? How about the soldiers returning home from the Middle East with PTSD?
My elderly friends with early Alzheimer’s may not be able to remember the story I read to them last week but usually I can’t either! They lose connections to words faster than they lose connection to emotions. In fact, I feel they are highly sensitized to how people feel about them.
Those that suffer a “limitation” do not want to be treated differently, it is quite the opposite. Those with a “limitation” often suffer frustration and shame that many of us cannot comprehend. Most upsetting, those with a “limitation” are often discriminated against.
Discrimination of the worst kind is that which rides under the radar AND is socially acceptable. There are mean smirks, the rude comments, palpable tension between co-workers and …….……Isolation. It is this behavior that feeds the fuel called STIGMA. People become ashamed of their differences and hide them rather than fearlessly share them with others.
I am haunted by the memory of an individual being accused of intoxication when buying a movie ticket because he had trouble presenting the right amount of money to the bitchy cashier. He was developmentally different (I won’t use the word disabled anymore). He didn’t want trouble. He wanted to see a darn movie like everybody else in line behind him.
Let me tell you what I define as a DISABILITY; as inspired by The World According to Mr. Rogers.
- the inability to get in touch with your feelings
- the inability to take responsibility for your actions
- the inability to form lasting, intimate relationships
Mr Rogers writes, “Part of...
Hot Spots!!
I can’t remember feeling this happy in a very long time so of course, I don’t want the weekend to end. This weekend I was celebrating my birthday with friends. Lydia made me a tiara that said, “Nothing could be finer than to be a 49er!” Yes indeed, I’m feeling FINE at forty nine!
I did however have a moment where my Girlfriend Voice had to kick my butt. Simone and I were looking at photos and my eyes immediately went to, dare I even admit this, to my stomach and my arms. Yes, I forgot the joy on my face. Yes, I forgot what was captured in the moment. I bet you this. Every single person reviewing photos did the same exact thing when they looked at their own image.
Did any of the ten people in the room even notice that I had a muffin top? Certainly no one felt nauseous when I took my sweater off to reveal bare arms. No one lost their appetite because of my wiggly jigglies! It is all in my mind’s eye.
Why are we so critical of ourselves? What is the root of this self-criticism?
- When we are young, someone criticizes or teases us and this creates a “hot spot”.
- The hot spot is a vulnerable area or topic. If you were teased for a big nose, you are likely going to be self-conscious of your nose for eternity! I was teased for having a flat butt– called “pancake”! To this day I don’t appreciate my derriere.
- Our personal definition of “beautiful” somehow doesn’t apply to our self.
- We judge ourselves far more harshly than we judge others.
- Our minds magnify our self-imposed imperfections and remind us continually of our self-identified flaws.
Unfortunately living with criticism and self-loathing is easier than accepting and loving ourselves.
It makes me mad to even state that but it is the truth. Knowing this, how can we manage or even better, overcome our “hot spots”?
Celebrate what makes you unique. You are a vibrant human being and gift to the world!
Focus more on what IS right and less on what you don’t like or deem isn’t good enough.
Accentuate the positive. Be grateful.
When all else fails, keep a sense of humor……
I’m sitting on the couch in my PJ’s and the lyric comes to mind, “If loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be right”. I love my muffin top and my wiggly bare arms as much as I love cupcakes and champagne. I’m going to dedicate my 49th year to happily loving my unique self. I hope you’ll join me and celebrate all that is YOU too!
From the heart,
Cara
Pausing for Poise
When I am stressed, I have to organize something. It used to be my kid’s schedule or a friend’s life—anyone or anything that felt out of control and could use an intervention. I really liked fixing people!!!!! Now I’m wiser so I organize a drawer, a closet or my giant purse. No more people—just things. I’m immediately satisfied when I complete a project. I apply my energy to something that actually needs my attention!!!!!! ……and I swear I hear a tiny “thank you” whispered back in return.
Organizing projects are meditative strategies that calm me down. While my hands and eyes are busy, I am able to block out the thoughts that plague me. Is it living in denial? Maybe, but it’s temporary. I’m pausing my reality and giving respite to my brain.
I should elaborate that not all pauses are sitting with crossed legs and closed eyes. Pausing is a taking a break from a thought pattern.
Why is it so important to pause?
1. I may regret what I say or do if I don’t step back from a situation. The more emotional we are, the less we function cognitively. I know we can all relate to sending an email too quickly or running our mouth before the brain engages!
2. A pause will quiet my senses and re-calibrate my emotional state.
3. The pause will allow me space to discover what is really going on in my head and my heart. The truth will bubble up if given the opportunity. This is where my Girlfriend Voice resides.
4. A pause allows me time to recognize and sit with my feelings. I don’t really like this one however it beats living in denial or bottling it up.
5. A pause allows me to change my thinking. Aha! I can actually change the recorded voice in my head.
Learning to pause has positively impacted other areas of my life.
I have more patience (stop laughing, I started with zero). More is still more than zero!
I feel like it is OK to say NO. Saying YES all the time is exhausting.
I am a better listener because I don’t have to fix you or your problem.
The biggest impact is that once I create space, I can identify what I need to let go of and what needs immediate attention.
If you are one of my A-type friends, you may poo-poo any suggestion of mediation. A good place to practice a pause may simply begin with sitting silently for three minutes; paying attention to your breathing. Are there other easy ways to slip a pause into your day? When I am waiting for a document to open on my laptop, I breathe deeply. It is only a few seconds but I feel refreshed. When I feel my face tighten with angst, I know to keep my mouth shut! When I lay down at night, I make a quick mental list of things to be thankful for.
Go out and find the pause…..find the...
Dancing with my Demon
What a &#$^%#$&* week this has been — lesson after lesson reinforcing that I have to accept what is out of my control. I hate it. I hate the way I feel.
Sadly, I am watching someone close to me self-destruct. Despite multiple opportunities, much love and attention, this person is on a wild trajectory. While I know his journey has nothing to do with me, there are days when I would gladly trade places just to give him a sense of peace and direction; some stillness in his crazy world.
Turning the focus inward, my biggest personal demon is the need for control.
Believing I am in control reduces the chances of being stupid or disappointed, right?
DUH, sadly it is just a big fat set up!!! Control has many downsides. Overly preparing for every scenario precludes spontaneity and natural learning not to mention FUN and deep feeling. My control and probably yours too, is driven by fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear feeling disappointed. I fear getting hurt. I fear being lied to. I FEAR.
Dancing with my Demon
One of my strategies for fighting the need for be in control is mitigated by taking dancing lessons which require partnering. With dance, the body retains form but the soul must relax enough to feel the music. The more I tune into my partner, the better I dance. Listening, feeling and then trusting my partner to lead the dance is intoxicatingly seductive. A good carrot at the end of the stick!
Another thing I fear is Alzheimer’s disease. Losing my memory and the ability to care for myself frightens me more than any other disease. A really amazing opportunity fell into my lap which I couldn’t help but appreciate it’s larger cosmic significance. A local volunteer group called to see if I was willing to work with early stage Alzheimer’s patients. For an hour a week, I will read aloud and facilitate a discussion group. People struggling to stay present, to remember their name and simple details of their life will be MY teachers, demonstrating not only the importance of living in the moment but the ability to receive help.
Control fools you into believing that you can shape the reactions and actions of others.
NOT! Control is an “ultimate distraction” because it keeps me from looking at my own behavior. Fear makes you think you know better; you know more! Jach Pursel of Lazarus.com writes, “In the consensus reality, there are those who live control. They have no idea (and don’t care to know) of its devastation. They don’t care to know the damage that it can do, the successes it can sabotage, the hopes it can dash, the dreams it can destroy. They don’t want to have anything to do with looking at how it fuels and fosters so much of the denial and the resistance they have. They don’t want to...
My Wellness Plan
Today it seems like every single commercial on the TV and radio was about weight loss, anti-aging or plastic surgery. I swear, it is not my imagination! I,ve not hearing a single commercial suggesting we learn to thrive in life and love who we are! Nope, NOT one!
What would the world be like if we focused on getting our mental health in shape as much as our physical health and appearance?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the two systems are not independent of one another. Instead of weight loss, let’s talk about losing a few bad habits that don’t serve you well. For instance, do you try to please everyone and lose yourself in the process? Do you feel lazy if you do nothing but relax?
Do you harbor resentment, bad feelings or even anger for days on end? Are you worrying about yesterday while fearing tomorrow? If you can’t think of anything, you have another problem and we should talk!
Instead of measuring weight loss, could we measure gratitude gains? How many lovely things/sites/people crossed your radar today?
Anti-aging, vitamins and supplements; yada, yada, yada. There is no magic pill! Believe me, I have a chemistry degree—I’ve tried! The supplements we require are derived naturally from dedicating time for personal rejuvenation, finding activities that energize us and the ability to connect emotionally with other people!
Every time you catch your image in the mirror, you could thank yourself for showing up? Tell yourself you are loved unconditionally?
Could I please buy a monthly membership for my mental health the same way I pay my local gym for my physical health? For $30/month I want full access to a variety of “wellness classes” as well as the ability to work quietly at my own pace in a safe environment. I promise to visit at least four three times a week!
Personally I have felt tremendous pressure “to have it all”. Today I don’t believe it is possible and it is perfectly fine that way. I am not selling out but rather maximizing my choices and how I spend my time. My priorities have shifted.
I put myself first, not in a selfish way but in a self-caring way. I give myself permission to relax and do nothing (even if it requires scheduling it!)
Remember when the flight attendant reminds you to put on your oxygen mask before assisting another passenger? When I feel whole or “oxygenated”, I am up for just about anything. I can engage fully as a human being!
Years of bottling up my emotions have taken a toll on my physical health. Luckily I am making progress by first recognizing there is a better way to manage my emotional health. It really stinks to sit with uncomfortable feelings but this is ultimately what feeds my personal growth. I...
