Leaving the Comfort Zone
The world can be a scary place—-especially when you start to recognize your true potential. Tasting and trusting your own power can scare the hell out of you! I posted a quote earlier in the week that people will discourage you from acting on your dreams because they fear you will succeed. The NEW you may leave them behind and since they lack the courage to reach for their own dreams, they’d rather you keep each other company in “unfulfilled land”.
If it is not someone else discouraging you, you may be discouraging yourself. Self-sabotage is real. I’ll use writing this blog as an example. For years people have encouraged me to write my stories and thoughts but my response was, “I am not a writer or who would read it?” Correction. Everyone is a writer, I just don’t happen to make a living from it. Secondly, who cares if anyone reads my blog! I write for the pleasure of sharing and hopefully, building a community of like-minded individuals. I rely on daily inspiration found in books and on the web so this is my way of paying forward what I have learned/will learn/need to learn…..get my drift?Writing keeps me grounded in today. When people say they wish they could follow one of their dreams, I ask them these questions:
Question: What is the worst thing that can happen if you follow your dream?
Answer: You won’t like it. At least you will know it wasn’t for you!
Question: I won’t be good at “it” so why try something new?
Answer: Are you really saying you fear failure? Look at your endeavor as “progress not perfection”! Besides, not every change/adventure has to be a public proclamation.
Question: I don’t have time to do anything else. I have too much on my plate now.
Answer: You do have time—if you want to find it. It may mean rearranging your schedule to allow a little time for yourself. You may need to let go of other things, especially the activities and people that don’t make you excited anymore, because if you want IT, you have to make IT happen. This is an active process. Dreams don’t happen by wishing!
Question: How will you feel if you don’t do “it”?
Answer: I will probably regret it. I’ll get over it. Doesn’t everybody have regrets?
I was quite uncomfortable when I started salsa dancing but the pleasure outweighed my discomfort. I am sticking with it! I was also terrible at tennis so after a 4-part class, I decided this was one thing I could let go of, at least for now! I started knitting again last year but I have yet to make a set of fingerless gloves that match in size. I unravel and start again shrugging my shoulders—no big deal. ...
The Force…
For many years when I to had to tackle a huge task, especially a stressful situation, I would resort to my super hero powers. I channeled something to the likes of Xena Warrior Princess. I’d have the grit and energy of a fierce mama bear protecting her cubs but I’d be glowing sexy hot donning a leather skirt and bikini top. Fighting for the greater good while kicking ass!
When I wasn’t channeling Xena, I comfortably fell into my other mode; the Gumby mode. Gumby was cute and flexible and a perfect shade of green. Gumby bends over backward with ease, happily putting others needs in front of his/her own. BUT when I became Gumby, I’d ultimately stretch myself too thin and become no good to anyone. Flexibility was a exhausting!
There was no middle mode or neutral gear. I was either Xena or Gumby or kinda of blank; lights on but no one home. Emotions were tucked away for another time because I had little time (or desire) to feel unsettled. It was quite exhausting to jump from one extreme to the other but I knew no other way. It wasn’t like my friends and I were talking about these things. We all had perfect lives; or so we thought.
Attention please: That was then and this is now. Xena and Gumby have been retired!
Giving myself permission to operate differently was the first step in this transformation. It required a leap of faith! I was venturing outside of a comfortable operating system and playing around with an unvalidated update! I had to believe that I had the capacity and the ability to deal with a wider range of emotions. I had to willingly sit with my emotions; even the ones that are uncomfortable. I vowed to remain openhearted and committed.
Happily I discovered that my new operating system included a super hero power which I affectionately call, “THE FORCE”. The force is like a blanket of reassurance which grounds me while at the same time, unveils a vast resource of possibility. I feel an energy surge around me, whispering “slow down”. I am able to weigh the options and remain authentic; objective and compassionate. I don’t have to become a warrior because my power is confident, quiet and as such is far more effective.
Is learning a new skill easy? Heck no. Operating in a new mode is like learning a new skill. It takes practice so I have to remind myself all the time to focus on my progress. I am not going to beat myself up striving for perfection. I allow myself to feel and there are times when I am overwhelmed so I have to take a break to refresh myself by not thinking or feeling anything at all. Other times I embrace the FORCE and let the whoop ass fly!
The Force helps me find WHAT IS TRUE. Isn’t that what really matters– the TRUTH?
I know, you are probably wondering...
The Premeditation Game
I love word games. How many words can you make from the letters found in the word “EXPECTATIONS”? I’ll get you started with a few: pectin, cape, exact, noise. Here is one I bet you didn’t guess, “RESENTMENT”. Is the saying true that, “expectations are premeditated resentment”? I hadn’t heard this phrase before today so I decided it was time for a little research and then what I love to do best, tell you a story.
ME: First of all, I have to admit I am a bit confused about something. Isn’t it normal to have expectations?
The blond: “It’s a given—you are born with expectations. If I expect to be disappointed, I am usually disappointed. I like to go into a situation knowing what I am going to get out of it. Not that I am a control freak or anything.”
ME: Well, this is depressing. Where is the spontaneity or the fun? Negative thoughts lead to negative actions; a self-fulfilling prophecy. I either consciously or subconsciously influence you (and myself) to behave in a way that confirms my prediction. Another human tendency—-wanting to be right!
The blonder: “What? “
ME: OK, I will let go of my negative expectations but why can’t I hold on to the positive expectations? I will influence you in a positive way, right?
Yoga girl: “It’s complicated. You can’t control another person (as much as I have tried this is true) but it has been proven that if teachers make a student feel competent, they will perform better. Focus on what you can contribute rather than what you will receive. Encourage the behavior you want to see and let go of the outcome.
ME: Let go of what? This is a whole other subject but I am starting to see that holding any expectation is a set up. OK, I will not hold on to any negative or positive expectations. Is this what enlightened grownups are supposed to do?
Salvation Army man: “Why not just be thankful, pretty lady?”
ME: Now we’re getting somewhere. Rather than setting expectations, I need to find my gratitude. Everything I need is here and now. (Oh geez, I sound like a Hallmark card!) Can I really replace expectations with gratitude?
New Mom: “I am not sure but I did put a cute sign on my front door that says, “Leave your shoes and bad attitude outside.”
ME: I believe I have confirmed that holding expectations lead to a multitude of negative feelings including resentment. Rather than wishing for a behavior or outcome, I will simply enjoy the moment. I’ll find something to appreciate rather than judge. I’ll ease into the present moment, taking what I like and leaving the...
The Responsible One
Responsibility is an interesting topic. I am not sure I think much about the topic of “responsibility” until I experience someone avoiding their responsibility and I am impacted!! I proudly define myself as a responsible person. I hear Mom’s telling their children, “It’s your responsibility”. I hear bosses, teachers and doctors using the same phrase.
So I ask you, if you set aside the obvious (job and family), what ultimately is your responsibility?
I think back to when I was a young. My responsibility was to help out at home and listen to my teachers. As I grew up, my responsibility was to continue with my education and secure a good job. Over the next twenty years, I was responsible for taking care of my family. As I approach another milestone birthday I have started wonder, what happened to the responsibility of taking care of me and my happiness? Was I absent the day they taught introspection and self-care?
Would I feel successful taking care of my family if I didn’t take care of myself simultaneously? Would I thrive in my career if I hadn’t identified my strengths and passions? The answer is NO and this is why many of us come to a screeching halt in midlife. We get lost in the trap of doing what we think we should be doing or lost in the process of completing a goal just to complete it. Do you build a house on a faulty foundation without any future consequences?
Let me restate the question for you.
Question: What are you responsible for?
Updated Answer: I am responsible for my own happiness.
This is pretty simple yet extremely profound, right? If my happiness includes speaking Greek, jogging in the rain or wearing purple everyday then I have the responsibility to do those things for ME. No one else can make me happy. You have heard it before. Happiness is an inside job.
I hear you doubting me….. Yes, I am happy when my children are happy, BUT, my happiness is not dependent upon my children, or anyone else for that matter but little old me. I am happy when I secure a new client, find great boots on clearance and giggle with the girls but again, my happiness in not dependent on these experiences. My happiness is ENHANCED by these experiences. Enhanced; yes. Dependent; no.
My happiness is a personal interpretation. If I depend on you to tell me what makes me happy or to do things to make me happy then I spend a hell of a lot of time waiting for may not happen. Rather than happiness filling me up, it is more likely I will be dominated by the feelings of impatience and resentment. This gets old really fast. Happiness contingent upon something or someone else is like expecting to win at the blackjack table. The odds are with the dealer and not you. You might win some but you...
My Wellness Plan
Today it seems like every single commercial on the TV and radio was about weight loss, anti-aging or plastic surgery. I swear, it is not my imagination! I,ve not hearing a single commercial suggesting we learn to thrive in life and love who we are! Nope, NOT one!
What would the world be like if we focused on getting our mental health in shape as much as our physical health and appearance?
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the two systems are not independent of one another. Instead of weight loss, let’s talk about losing a few bad habits that don’t serve you well. For instance, do you try to please everyone and lose yourself in the process? Do you feel lazy if you do nothing but relax?
Do you harbor resentment, bad feelings or even anger for days on end? Are you worrying about yesterday while fearing tomorrow? If you can’t think of anything, you have another problem and we should talk!
Instead of measuring weight loss, could we measure gratitude gains? How many lovely things/sites/people crossed your radar today?
Anti-aging, vitamins and supplements; yada, yada, yada. There is no magic pill! Believe me, I have a chemistry degree—I’ve tried! The supplements we require are derived naturally from dedicating time for personal rejuvenation, finding activities that energize us and the ability to connect emotionally with other people!
Every time you catch your image in the mirror, you could thank yourself for showing up? Tell yourself you are loved unconditionally?
Could I please buy a monthly membership for my mental health the same way I pay my local gym for my physical health? For $30/month I want full access to a variety of “wellness classes” as well as the ability to work quietly at my own pace in a safe environment. I promise to visit at least four three times a week!
Personally I have felt tremendous pressure “to have it all”. Today I don’t believe it is possible and it is perfectly fine that way. I am not selling out but rather maximizing my choices and how I spend my time. My priorities have shifted.
I put myself first, not in a selfish way but in a self-caring way. I give myself permission to relax and do nothing (even if it requires scheduling it!)
Remember when the flight attendant reminds you to put on your oxygen mask before assisting another passenger? When I feel whole or “oxygenated”, I am up for just about anything. I can engage fully as a human being!
Years of bottling up my emotions have taken a toll on my physical health. Luckily I am making progress by first recognizing there is a better way to manage my emotional health. It really stinks to sit with uncomfortable feelings but this is ultimately what feeds my personal growth. I...
