For the last two weeks, the word ALIGNMENT has been on my mind.  Perhaps this is a good thing since I am on a ten day business trip—the “Cara –Palooza”—jaunting across the country, meeting folks for my day job.  I love meeting the clients in person but I have to say, sitting in airports and wearing the same two outfits over and over is making me cranky! 

In simple terms, alignment can be defined as the proper placement of muscles so that your bones have to do less work and therefore expend less energy.  (I always feel better after yoga!)  Another example is how we balance the tires on our car so that they wear evenly.  This makes sense in the physical realm, however, what does alignment mean in the non-physical realm?

Emotionally I feel neutral; like my tires are balanced or my weight is evenly distributed between my two feet.  It took a concerted effort to land in this ZEN DEN.  At first I would describe the feeling as hollow or floating.   I didn’t know what to do without a whirlwind of turmoil in my head or anger in my gut.  Slowly the practice of gratitude and living in the present shifted me into neutral.  My mind is not fighting my emotions.  I prefer to think I contemplate my emotions.

Last week my favorite Uncle passed away after a long battle with emphysema.  He was plain tired of fighting and after a bought of pneumonia, he remained physically weak.  We joked that he liked control down to the very last detail but I am sure that he felt both a spiritual and emotional alignment when he decided it was time to let go.  Uncle Dave always made me feel good about myself and for that, I am blessed. 

Alignment is not intuitive because evolutionarily, we are born to react.  Being on the defensive or as I like to call it, being prepared (wink, wink), means I am threatened by you or I pose a threat to you.  If you take time to smell the daisies, practice kindness or god forbid meditate, prepare to be mowed over!

Alignment is an active practice. It is a choice with a lovely pay-off.

As the “Cara Palooza” comes to a close, I feel the need to offer a Public Service Announcement for those of you who don’t travel often; to help you get into alignment of course! (and out of my alignment)

1. The gate attendant will not forget to board the plane when it is time.  You don’t have to remind them to do their job.
2. Please exit the plane as you would exit a church service or wedding— ONE ROW AT A TIME. 
3. Do not block the aisle, hallway, sidewalk, etc. with your stuff.   STEP TO THE SIDE.
4. You loud talkers — STOP!  Just because you have time to talk doesn’t mean you should.
5. Use headphones— I am trying to read “Fifty Shades of Grey” in the row behind you and I don’t want to listen to that crap you have blaring at full...

Some things don’t change and in this case, it’s a good thing!

My friend Simone and I were sifting through a box of old photos and memorabilia this weekend.  There in a wrinkled envelope, written on index cards, was a speech I wrote when I was eighteen years old.  Of course, Simone couldn’t resist a reading it through it.  Yes, reading it, in full character voice as well pointing out each one of my spelling errors!  (Spell check hadn’t been invented yet—dare I date myself?)

In the speech, I shared my wishes for my classmates, friends and family.  

–to find a career filled with passion while leaving time to play and rest   (did you notice that CAREER was the first thing on the list? I was a product of the times—ready to take on a man’s world.)

–to practice patience, especially during the most trying times (overrated; nothing more to say.  Next!)

-to understand the importance of a sense of humor (absolutely – how wonderful it is to laugh so hard you snort or squizzle)

–and finally, friendships are the key to living a long healthy life (AMEN! Enough said)

I have a hard time connecting to the person I embodied at eighteen but it is pretty cool to see I was already inspiring people to find happiness and live with passion!   The words may have sounded foreign but they served as a compass for my life.  I still follow this compass but now I call it, “My Girlfriend Voice”. 

And by the way, this photo shows that some of my best times were in my robe and PJ’s.  Some things never change! (me at 18 in red bandana)

From the heart,

Cara

So Sadness Enhances Creativity?

I was listening to a radio interview on the topic of creativity and one  statement stuck in my brain.  Four days later and I’m still thinking about the theory that sad people are the most creative people.  At first I thought of tortured artists like Van Gough and Pollack but weren’t they dealing with more than mere sadness?  OK, perhaps I am getting too analytical.

When I was sad, I didn’t feel the creative spirit pouring out of me.  I was tired and cried all the time.  My most creative venture was getting dressed—if there was anything clean to wear! If I was really creative I could a make dinner out of supplies in the pantry.

Why would sadness unleash creativity?  My theory is that the INNER CRITIC voice may be dampened to the degree that creativity sees an opening and feels safe to explore. 

Blessings did arise from my sadness.  Through cognitive behavior therapy, I learned how to work with my emotions and completely embrace myself.  I am a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but I start each day grounded in gratitude and seeking happiness.

My Girlfriend Voice (MGV) came to light during my sadness.  I noticed I had this soothing, compassionate voice in my head.  For example, if I was contemplating how to handle a snarky comment from my former boss my MGV would say, “You can go down to their level or just let it go.  You’ll make the right choice”.    The choice was mine.  I love having choices!

Had I listened to my inner critic that day, it probably would have said, “Here we go again.  Why do you put up with this crap? Why don’t you have a new job?  Are you too lazy to look for one?  You should……  Why don’t you…. OMG!  Loser.”

I came to realize that the words the inner critic was delivering to my head were so harsh, things I would never dare utter out loud to another person.  Why would I talk to myself in such an abusive way? My inner-dialogue, lacking any sort of compassion or trust, shredded my self-confidence and squashed my objectivity.  It was a form of self-mutilation because words are weapons.

The more I listen to MGV, the less I hear from my inner critic!!

It would be unrealistic to think I could completely eliminate my inner critic.  Perhaps there is something important buried in those harsh words?  Again, it is my choice to take what I want and leave the rest behind. I’ve tried giving my inner critic an appointment time– like the DMV.  I tell her I’ll listen with undivided attention as long as what she says is helpful, kind or beneficial.  I’m not into whining or belittling but rather finding a solution.  Funny, she hasn’t come to call nearly as often.  ♥

From the heart,

Cara

Did I Just Say That????

Dang I can be brillant!  Have you ever have one of those moments, smack dab in the middle of a conversation, where you say something so amazing that you have to pause and write down your own words?  I had one of those recently when chatting with one of my girlfriends!!!

Here is my illuminating moment….. “When it comes to the people in your life, you are either on the same wavelength or you complement one another like Ying and Yang”.  If a relationship requires too much fixing, thinking, wishing, primping, etc., then hey, what’s up?  Why invest so much energy?

Time is a valuable asset; it is your MOST valuable asset.  If you use your time to morph people into something that they are not, is it worth the effort? Even if they go there, they won’t stay there long.  Why is it up to you to direct another person to change anyway?

Entering a relationship with the desire to change someone is not going to go well!

Let’s flip the situation because I know people who try to morph me into something I am not to fit THEIR needs!  Not only do I feel uncomfortable, I start to resent the feeling of not being good enough.  No one defines me but me.

Maybe friendships work for two simple reasons.   

1. You are on the same wavelength:  you can actually finish each other’s sentences!  You often communicate without a sound—reading each other’s mind (or eye roll!) Sisters of a different mother! Comfortable.
2. You are the complement of one another:  the introvert and the extrovert, the left brain and the right brain.  You COMPLEMENT one another and there is no pressure to be anything but your lovely self. You bring out the best of one another.  Surprisingly this works like Lucy and Ethyl, Laverne and Shirley.

Simple and sweet.

What do think?  Do you have more friends in the first category or the second? For me I have very few in the “opposites” category.  Can’t wait to hear from you!

From the heart,

Cara

Elephant image from laurenconrad.com

What I Want… A letter to my son

What I want for you, my son….I want you to see me as a person.  I am more than your parent.  I am a creative, generous, sensitive woman.

I want you to understand that it is difficult providing you the space you need to make mistakes.  I want to shelter you from hurt and disappointment.  Parenting is the most difficult thing I have ever done and most of the time I don’t feel very good at it.

I want you to be comfortable in your own skin; never feeling inferior or inadequate.  You are responsible for your own happiness.

I want you to realize that unresolved anger seeds resentment; a toxic companion.  Exercise the power of forgiveness and feel your heart open.

I want you to feel the beauty of true love and how it feels to share your heart, your fears and your dreams with someone who loves you for who you are.

I want you to know that we may not always agree but I will always love you.  I am blessed share my life with you.

Love,

Mom

Editor’s Note:  Although my sons are now 19 and 21, I felt it may be time to tell them again what I want for them and what I consider to be life’s most important concepts.   

From the heart,  Cara

My Sadness is a Verb not a Noun

“Scratch her and she’ll bleed sadness.”  Wouldn’t that be a great opening line for a novel?  Truth is stranger than fiction.  This is my story.

When I feel sadness, I am immediately fearful.  Is this the sadness that feels like a wet fur coat in July?  Is it the same sadness that sat on my chest and poked me until I cried?  No.  This is different.  My current sadness is a verb; not a noun.

(Titled depression_by_thecruelone-sensum)

A few years ago, I toppled into a clinical depression.  I remember sitting in the ER while my son was being treated and something popped.  It was like the last bubble of resolve in my brain expired and I was overcome by darkness.   My heart ran out of blood.  I tumbled into unknown territory so fast I couldn’t identify what I was going through.  It was hard to breathe.  I was a shadow of my former self.

In the beginning I was extremely successful hiding depression from everyone close to me.  As my depression continued, it got to the point where I had trouble leaving my house.  Frankly I had trouble doing anything except crying.  I raged at myself and the feelings of inadequacy—if I were smarter, somehow different, worked less, exercised more ….. if (insert anything her) then I wouldn’t feel so hopeless.

I was living on CONTINGENCY.  As long as everyone else was doing well, I was doing well!  Things were falling apart fast and based on this system, I too would become a casualty.  I was taking zero time for myself, not only for self-care but time for feeding my passions.  I was living for my kids, had my identity tied up in my job and felt invisible in my marriage.   Kaboom.  There she blows!  I had nothing to ground me in the storm.

Depression affects all people regardless of geography, socio-economic status and age.  Women are twice as likely to suffer from depression; often stemming from an inability to process or express anger.  In the midst of depression, it feels like a glass divider separates you from the world.  Help is just too far away or you don’t feel worthy of the help.

Depression is a pit of despair.  The walls are high enough to keep you trapped inside and out of sight.  

Now when I feel the sadness running through me but it doesn’t knock me down or overwhelm me.  Why?  I am giving myself permission to sit with “uncomfortable” feelings.   From this struggle I will grow.  I am confident of that fact.

I have learned to give myself permission to feel.  Everyone struggles!!!  I take care of the little girl inside, craving to be healed.  I am pursuing my passions.  I laugh, I sleep, I dance.  I work really hard and play even harder.

If you walk in the rain, you get wet.  This is how I describe my current...

Planting Hope

Today I smelled a hint of spring in the air and for me there is almost nothing better than connecting with my garden.  I decided to plant the Hollyhock seeds I’ve been saving from my previous garden.  (Clarification:  this weekend I found the seeds I put away when I moved a year ago! Time to plant them before I lose them again!)

Planting seeds is a wonderful visual.  I hope that my little seeds will become stately stalks of color but I won’t know for many months.  What do I have to lose? I lovingly set them in moist rich soil and wish them a safe journey.

I love giving time and attention to my garden because it graciously receives all my efforts. (and there is no talking back!) I give and give and have no expectation of any return.  Is that a crazy statement?  Not at all, especially if you know me!  It is one of the few things I do where I plan, nurture and happily accept the results.  I have no control over the weather.  I do my part to fertilize, water and place plants where they will thrive. The rest of the work is up to those little seeds.

My seeds are my hope and a reminder that life has seasons.

Resentment is like a seed.  You put it away but it grows—it doesn’t need light or water; just time.  Resentment takes up valuable space.  I think of resentment like an AA battery left too long in my desk drawer.  The acid slowly leaks out and ruins things, leaving a rusty stain behind.

Angry feelings left unattended will seed resentment.  Is it realistic to assume can avoid resentment when anger is a natural emotion?

The next time you get angry, ask yourself a few questions BEFORE you react.

Identify the ONE thing that irks you most—was it an insult?  Someone let you down?  Was there lack respect or appreciation?  Resist the urge to rehash the entire situation by focusing on the predominant offense.

What is your role in the situation?  For instance were you relying on telepathy to communicate? (I do it all the time!) Were your expectations out of line?  Did your mood invite or elevate the situation?

Have you allowed this behavior in the past to go unaddressed?  Do you say “whatever” and silently seethe?

If we understand the anger, we can prevent the anger from seeding poisonous resentment. 

There were times in my life when I wore resentment like armor.  You see, I love someone afflicted with addiction.  Addiction is a disease—not a lifestyle.  I have been disappointed, irate, terrified, and sad beyond words but then I look at that four letter word H.O.P.E.  I have HOPE that he will be safe and find his way.  I have hope that I will continue loving him without judgment.

I also was in a long term relationship where I felt unappreciated; where sarcasm was considered “affectionate banter”.  I thought that no response was the right response...

Pause. Invite. Appreciate. Share. Repeat!

I was sitting in the airport last week, focused on a six year old boy playing with his Dad.  This boy, I’ll call him Junior, was adorable—wearing those shoes that light up when you walk.  I fathom he had on a new outfit and his backpack was full of action figures and snacks.  If I had to guess, the young Dad, sporting a 5 o’clock shadow, had probably worked the night shift before picking up Junior for the trip.

As we waited to depart, Junior was bouncy, silly and delightful.  Dad could barely keep his eyes open so Junior decided it was time for a joke, then a song, or wait let me tell you about school, and so on.   He reminded me of the finches at my bird feeder.   Constant chatter.  Constant movement.

Dad did his best to smile and nod but he was a man of few words.  Although silent, Dad radiated warmth and pride.

“It’s too bad we outgrow happiness”, said the women sitting next to me.  I paused, mostly in shock, and then she repeated herself as if I hadn’t heard her.  “It’s really too bad we out grow our happy years.”  I am rarely speechless but this comment shut me down.

Had I been younger, I would have launched into a full discussion or rather debate on why she was dead wrong.  Now that I am older and wiser, I chose instead to look at my reaction and why I was so bothered.

My Girlfriend Voice was purring in my ear.

I paused and thought about what she said.  I invited my wise Girlfriend Voice to help me understand and respond without sounding like a “B” or a “new age know it all”.

“I absolutely disagree that we outgrow happiness!!  Yes, we outgrow clothing and sometimes relationships.  Yes, our brains thirst for increasing knowledge and experience.  Yes, with age comes responsibility but also opportunity. Happiness is always available.”  Exhaling, I took a big breath in and awaited her response.

Does happiness have a shelf life?  NO  

Is happiness finite?  NO

Imagine if we told every child to make sure they were happy when they were young because as adults didn’t have the same option.  And not to use up their happiness too fast because it is in limited in supply!!!!  This is ridiculous, huh?

The lady never did respond to me.  My annoyance with her eventually turned to compassion. (Really did!) Her reasoning could be seeded by a track record of pain and disappointment or the belief that she wasn’t entitled to happiness. It wasn’t my place to try to fix or convince her.  Luckily I know that happiness is my responsibility and available to me no matter what my age.

My definition of happiness has broadened since my younger years.  I find delight in many things because perhaps,

I pause to welcome happiness. Pausing….

I invite happiness to linger....

BAM! Yummy goes to Crummy

I woke up with a hangover.  Let me clarify.  I have a chocolate cake hangover.  One piece of chocolate cake and I have a “CAKEOVER” in the morning!!!  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  I am still weighing the pros and cons of that question.

I know I am not supposed to eat junk food but every once in a while I crave a slice of rich, delicious chocolate fudge cake from my local grocery store.  I savor each heavenly bite of that four by four by four inch square.  Twelve hours later and the payback sets in.  CAKEOVER HEADACHE!  Yummy goes to crummy real fast. 

Wouldn’t it be great if every time we indulged in something negative/toxic/dangerous, we had a physical reaction to remind us there are consequences?  Think about it.

You spend two years dating the wrong person.  BAM!  Stomach flu sets in before the end of your first date and you are saved from 24 months of a hellacious emotional roller coaster ride.

You take a new job only to find out that the new boss mislead you regarding his “expectations” and you are assigned to cubicle purgatory.  BAM!  Hives break out during the interview and you never get the job offer.

You say that cheap, angry insult out loud in a moment of anger.  BAM!  Momentary amnesia sets in for everyone within earshot and you are granted a “start over”.  N0 apology necessary.  Now what was I saying?

I am not suggesting that we have a physical punishment every time we approach the “danger zone” but we can learn to develop an awareness based on our body’s clues essentially trying to shoot a flare to the brain.  For instance, when my face tenses up and I scrunch my eyes, it means I am not listening anymore and I am about to interrupt you!  There are times when my breathing is shallow – usually because I am angry or annoyed.  I am not listening then either; instead I am having a dark moment plotting your demise.  Or when I press soooooo hard while texting that my finger threatens to crack the screen!  IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND URGENT THAT YOU READ MY MESSAGE! NOW!

I wish that every time I had a physical “body cue” that I translated it into a PAUSE; a pause which allowed time to review the situation and plan my response.  Pausing I could evaluate, “Will “X” be worth the outcome of “Z”?    Uh oh, sounds like a story problem and I don’t do math after 5pm!

Let your Girlfriend Voice be your BAM!  Let her wisdom guide you. With her guidance, you will find yourself RESPONDING rather than REACTING.

Slow down your breathing. Slow down and feel what’s in your body.  Slow down and listen in.  Slow down –period.

Will I stop eating chocolate cake?  No, but I will eat it earlier in the day followed by a huge glass of...

A New Year of Possibility and Postings!

Happy New Year!   I spent the later half of December reviewing 2011 and for the first time ever, I am not letting what I SHOULD have done or WISHED for or even CRIED OVER to dominate my thinking.  I am content to review my life objectively.

The more I am based in gratitude and self-care, the more optimistic I feel. More options become available to me when I clear my mind of the past.

I have never considered myself a writer but writing these posts has unleashed my creativity, bolstered my self-esteem and convinced me that focusing on “the positive” can change your life.

I feel renewed.

This year I wish you continued spiritual and emotional growth, time for laughter and learning and finally, time to be STILL.   Thank you for being a member of my community.

From the heart,

Cara

The Premeditation Game

I love word games.  How many words can you make from the letters found in the word “EXPECTATIONS”?  I’ll get you started with a few:  pectin, cape, exact, noise.   Here is one I bet you didn’t guess, “RESENTMENT”.  Is the saying true that, “expectations are premeditated resentment”?  I hadn’t heard this phrase before today so I decided it was time for a little research and then what I love to do best, tell you a story.

ME:   First of all, I have to admit I am a bit confused about something. Isn’t it normal to have expectations?

The blond:  “It’s a given—you are born with expectations.  If I expect to be disappointed, I am usually disappointed.  I like to go into a situation knowing what I am going to get out of it. Not that I am a control freak or anything.”

ME:    Well, this is depressing.  Where is the spontaneity or the fun?  Negative thoughts lead to negative actions; a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I either consciously or subconsciously influence you (and myself) to behave in a way that confirms my prediction.  Another human tendency—-wanting to be right!

The blonder:  “What? “

ME:  OK, I will let go of my negative expectations but why can’t I hold on to the positive expectations?  I will influence you in a positive way, right?

Yoga girl:  “It’s complicated.  You can’t control another person (as much as I have tried this is true) but it has been proven that if teachers make a student feel competent, they will perform better.  Focus on what you can contribute rather than what you will receive. Encourage the behavior you want to see and let go of the outcome.

ME:  Let go of what?  This is a whole other subject but I am starting to see that holding any expectation is a set up.  OK, I will not hold on to any negative or positive expectations.   Is this what enlightened grownups are supposed to do?

Salvation Army man:  “Why not just be thankful, pretty lady?”

ME:  Now we’re getting somewhere.  Rather than setting expectations, I need to find my gratitude.  Everything I need is here and now.  (Oh geez, I sound like a Hallmark card!)  Can I really replace expectations with gratitude?

New Mom:  “I am not sure but I did put a cute sign on my front door that says, “Leave your shoes and bad attitude outside.”

ME:  I believe I have confirmed that holding expectations lead to a multitude of negative feelings including resentment.  Rather than wishing for a behavior or outcome, I will simply enjoy the moment.  I’ll find something to appreciate rather than judge.  I’ll ease into the present moment, taking what I like and leaving the...

The Responsible One

Responsibility is an interesting topic.  I am not sure I think much about the topic of “responsibility” until I experience someone avoiding their responsibility and I am impacted!! I proudly define myself as a responsible person.  I hear Mom’s telling their children, “It’s your responsibility”.  I hear bosses, teachers and doctors using the same phrase.

So I ask you, if you set aside the obvious (job and family), what ultimately is your responsibility?   

I think back to when I was a young.  My responsibility was to help out at home and listen to my teachers.  As I grew up, my responsibility was to continue with my education and secure a good job.  Over the next twenty years, I was responsible for taking care of my family.  As I approach another milestone birthday I have started wonder, what happened to the responsibility of taking care of me and my happiness?  Was I absent the day they taught introspection and self-care? 

Would I feel successful taking care of my family if I didn’t take care of myself simultaneously?  Would I thrive in my career if I hadn’t identified my strengths and passions?  The answer is NO and this is why many of us come to a screeching halt in midlife.  We get lost in the trap of doing what we think we should be doing or lost in the process of completing a goal just to complete it. Do you build a house on a faulty foundation without any future consequences?

Let me restate the question for you.

Question:  What are you responsible for?

Updated Answer:  I am responsible for my own happiness.

This is pretty simple yet extremely profound, right?  If my happiness includes speaking Greek, jogging in the rain or wearing purple everyday then I have the responsibility to do those things for ME.  No one else can make me happy. You have heard it before.  Happiness is an inside job.

I hear you doubting me….. Yes, I am happy when my children are happy, BUT, my happiness is not dependent upon my children, or anyone else for that matter but little old me.   I am happy when I secure a new client, find great boots on clearance and giggle with the girls but again, my happiness in not dependent on these experiences.  My happiness is ENHANCED by these experiences.   Enhanced; yes.  Dependent;  no.

My happiness is a personal interpretation.  If I depend on you to tell me what makes me happy or to do things to make me happy then I spend a hell of a lot of time waiting for may not happen.  Rather than happiness filling me up, it is more likely I will be dominated by the feelings of impatience and resentment.  This gets old really fast.  Happiness contingent upon something or someone else is like expecting to win at the blackjack table.  The odds are with the dealer and not you.  You might win some but you...