Some things don’t change and in this case, it’s a good thing!
My friend Simone and I were sifting through a box of old photos and memorabilia this weekend. There in a wrinkled envelope, written on index cards, was a speech I wrote when I was eighteen years old. Of course, Simone couldn’t resist a reading it through it. Yes, reading it, in full character voice as well pointing out each one of my spelling errors! (Spell check hadn’t been invented yet—dare I date myself?)
In the speech, I shared my wishes for my classmates, friends and family.
–to find a career filled with passion while leaving time to play and rest (did you notice that CAREER was the first thing on the list? I was a product of the times—ready to take on a man’s world.)
–to practice patience, especially during the most trying times (overrated; nothing more to say. Next!)
-to understand the importance of a sense of humor (absolutely – how wonderful it is to laugh so hard you snort or squizzle)
–and finally, friendships are the key to living a long healthy life (AMEN! Enough said)
I have a hard time connecting to the person I embodied at eighteen but it is pretty cool to see I was already inspiring people to find happiness and live with passion! The words may have sounded foreign but they served as a compass for my life. I still follow this compass but now I call it, “My Girlfriend Voice”.
And by the way, this photo shows that some of my best times were in my robe and PJ’s. Some things never change! (me at 18 in red bandana)
From the heart,
Cara
So Sadness Enhances Creativity?
I was listening to a radio interview on the topic of creativity and one statement stuck in my brain. Four days later and I’m still thinking about the theory that sad people are the most creative people. At first I thought of tortured artists like Van Gough and Pollack but weren’t they dealing with more than mere sadness? OK, perhaps I am getting too analytical.
When I was sad, I didn’t feel the creative spirit pouring out of me. I was tired and cried all the time. My most creative venture was getting dressed—if there was anything clean to wear! If I was really creative I could a make dinner out of supplies in the pantry.
Why would sadness unleash creativity? My theory is that the INNER CRITIC voice may be dampened to the degree that creativity sees an opening and feels safe to explore.
Blessings did arise from my sadness. Through cognitive behavior therapy, I learned how to work with my emotions and completely embrace myself. I am a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but I start each day grounded in gratitude and seeking happiness.
My Girlfriend Voice (MGV) came to light during my sadness. I noticed I had this soothing, compassionate voice in my head. For example, if I was contemplating how to handle a snarky comment from my former boss my MGV would say, “You can go down to their level or just let it go. You’ll make the right choice”. The choice was mine. I love having choices!
Had I listened to my inner critic that day, it probably would have said, “Here we go again. Why do you put up with this crap? Why don’t you have a new job? Are you too lazy to look for one? You should…… Why don’t you…. OMG! Loser.”
I came to realize that the words the inner critic was delivering to my head were so harsh, things I would never dare utter out loud to another person. Why would I talk to myself in such an abusive way? My inner-dialogue, lacking any sort of compassion or trust, shredded my self-confidence and squashed my objectivity. It was a form of self-mutilation because words are weapons.
The more I listen to MGV, the less I hear from my inner critic!!
It would be unrealistic to think I could completely eliminate my inner critic. Perhaps there is something important buried in those harsh words? Again, it is my choice to take what I want and leave the rest behind. I’ve tried giving my inner critic an appointment time– like the DMV. I tell her I’ll listen with undivided attention as long as what she says is helpful, kind or beneficial. I’m not into whining or belittling but rather finding a solution. Funny, she hasn’t come to call nearly as often. ♥
From the heart,
Cara
Did I Just Say That????
Dang I can be brillant! Have you ever have one of those moments, smack dab in the middle of a conversation, where you say something so amazing that you have to pause and write down your own words? I had one of those recently when chatting with one of my girlfriends!!!
Here is my illuminating moment….. “When it comes to the people in your life, you are either on the same wavelength or you complement one another like Ying and Yang”. If a relationship requires too much fixing, thinking, wishing, primping, etc., then hey, what’s up? Why invest so much energy?
Time is a valuable asset; it is your MOST valuable asset. If you use your time to morph people into something that they are not, is it worth the effort? Even if they go there, they won’t stay there long. Why is it up to you to direct another person to change anyway?
Entering a relationship with the desire to change someone is not going to go well!
Let’s flip the situation because I know people who try to morph me into something I am not to fit THEIR needs! Not only do I feel uncomfortable, I start to resent the feeling of not being good enough. No one defines me but me.
Maybe friendships work for two simple reasons.
- You are on the same wavelength: you can actually finish each other’s sentences! You often communicate without a sound—reading each other’s mind (or eye roll!) Sisters of a different mother! Comfortable.
- You are the complement of one another: the introvert and the extrovert, the left brain and the right brain. You COMPLEMENT one another and there is no pressure to be anything but your lovely self. You bring out the best of one another. Surprisingly this works like Lucy and Ethyl, Laverne and Shirley.
Simple and sweet.
What do think? Do you have more friends in the first category or the second? For me I have very few in the “opposites” category. Can’t wait to hear from you!
From the heart,
Cara
Elephant image from laurenconrad.com
Advice? It’s an Artform
ADVICE. It sounds like a simple topic yet giving and receiving advice is a mine field or should I say MIND field which potentially disables otherwise healthy relationships.
Think back to the last time you received unsolicited advice. I bet it didn’t feel good regardless of the topic. As soon as I hear “YOU SHOULD”, my hackles go up. I stop listening. It’s like you’re holding my arms down and force feeding me worms. Stop already! I am super sensitive to you know-it-all “do gooders” that try to tell me what to do!
Because I am sensitive to unsolicited advice givers, I try to mind my P’s and Q’s and keep quiet. If I had to guess, I would say that the catalyst for giving unsolicited advice likely falls into one of three categories:
1) POWER PLAY. The need to be the authority figure or the need to feel important.
2) DRAMA QUEEN. The “need to be needed” a monster fed on a strict “drama diet”.
3) ALTRUISTIC DO-GOODER. An eager but authentic desire to help.
So what if you are asked to provide advice? Is there a good way to offer your thoughts without blowing up the MIND field?
GOLDEN RULE: DO NOT OFFER ANY ADVICE UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED FOR IT.
Then when you do speak up, you address the topic from your own experience. “I found or I did” over “you should”. Speak from your truth. The recipient takes what they want and leaves the rest. The quality of your advice has nothing to do with their actions. You are not tied to their outcome.
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you don’t know if you are being asked for advice??? If in doubt you can say, “do you want to know what I think?” And then be prepared to stop talking if they say no! (easier said than done!) Engage brain before engaging mouth. I find myself in this position quite often with my boys.
Please, only give sincere advice that you support and would follow yourself! Be credible. If not, your words feel cheap. There is no other way I can think to describe it. I can smell “cheap” a mile away! Save your breath.
Now the flipside……you are the advice seeker. You are looking for guidance so consider this:
- The SOURCE. Am I asking the right person for advice? I wouldn’t ask my son for parenting advice nor would you want me to give you advice on your investment portfolio. Am I going to someone that is afraid to tell me the truth? Do I trust that they will have my best interest in mind? That they will be honest!
2. Feeling RESISTANCE. If I run up against resistance, I know there is something else going on and I probably need guidance. This week I was asked to...
My Sadness is a Verb not a Noun
“Scratch her and she’ll bleed sadness.” Wouldn’t that be a great opening line for a novel? Truth is stranger than fiction. This is my story.
When I feel sadness, I am immediately fearful. Is this the sadness that feels like a wet fur coat in July? Is it the same sadness that sat on my chest and poked me until I cried? No. This is different. My current sadness is a verb; not a noun.
(Titled depression_by_thecruelone-sensum)
A few years ago, I toppled into a clinical depression. I remember sitting in the ER while my son was being treated and something popped. It was like the last bubble of resolve in my brain expired and I was overcome by darkness. My heart ran out of blood. I tumbled into unknown territory so fast I couldn’t identify what I was going through. It was hard to breathe. I was a shadow of my former self.
In the beginning I was extremely successful hiding depression from everyone close to me. As my depression continued, it got to the point where I had trouble leaving my house. Frankly I had trouble doing anything except crying. I raged at myself and the feelings of inadequacy—if I were smarter, somehow different, worked less, exercised more ….. if (insert anything her) then I wouldn’t feel so hopeless.
I was living on CONTINGENCY. As long as everyone else was doing well, I was doing well! Things were falling apart fast and based on this system, I too would become a casualty. I was taking zero time for myself, not only for self-care but time for feeding my passions. I was living for my kids, had my identity tied up in my job and felt invisible in my marriage. Kaboom. There she blows! I had nothing to ground me in the storm.
Depression affects all people regardless of geography, socio-economic status and age. Women are twice as likely to suffer from depression; often stemming from an inability to process or express anger. In the midst of depression, it feels like a glass divider separates you from the world. Help is just too far away or you don’t feel worthy of the help.
Depression is a pit of despair. The walls are high enough to keep you trapped inside and out of sight.
Now when I feel the sadness running through me but it doesn’t knock me down or overwhelm me. Why? I am giving myself permission to sit with “uncomfortable” feelings. From this struggle I will grow. I am confident of that fact.
I have learned to give myself permission to feel. Everyone struggles!!! I take care of the little girl inside, craving to be healed. I am pursuing my passions. I laugh, I sleep, I dance. I work really hard and play even harder.
If you walk in the rain, you get wet. This is how I describe my current...
When I Count My Blessings I Count You Twice
I have a plaque with this phrase hanging by my front door. Every time I come and go, I am reminded that my blessings outweigh my struggles. Focus on the good stuff—–
Lately I’ve had to remind myself of my many blessings because the past two weeks have been hell– laden with struggles. I am being tested! My Girlfriend Voice consoles me and agrees with my plan. In order to take care of myself, I will pull back on my social commitments and activities. I tell myself, “Put on your oxygen mask first before assisting another passenger”. Slow down. Recalibrate. Listen to your body. Indulge in a little self-care.
In the past I equated struggling with being weak and dammit, I AM NOT WEAK. If I didn’t solve each and every problem–figure things out– then I was a failure. Struggling was NOT ACCEPTABLE. Stupid people struggle. Incompetent people struggle. Struggle = weak = failure.
“Never see her sweat,” was my motto but it was exhausting to operate as the perfect woman. I didn’t allow myself to see how unrealistic it was to be a super hero Mom, supportive friend, patient wife and creative business woman all at the same time. Talk about setting myself up for crisis!
Fortunately I learned and now believe that struggling is an accelerator of growth. Struggling is the indicator light on my dashboard that it is time to pause.
On Thursday night I admitted to my friends that I was in a vulnerable place and needed a quiet weekend for self-care so I cancelled our plans. It reinforced what I already knew —- I have phenomenal friends! Friends, who despite what struggles they are going through, such as the death of a parent or unreasonable job expectations, offer to help ME. I can call on them for a late night chocolate delivery, a shoulder to cry on, a belly laugh, retail therapy—you name it. They are there for me, just a phone call (or text) away. No worries about being judged or criticized. My gals got my back!
What is even better is that my friends don’t rely on my drama to feel important. They don’t require updates, solutions, or explanations. They are not trying to fix, save or remodel me. One gal pal in particular is so good at asking me, “do you want me to strictly listen or are you looking for advice?” Sometimes I just want to say (scream) things out loud and have her listen to my ramblings. Sometimes I need her advice. Sometimes I want to hear about her life so I can momentarily forget about mine.
Living an imperfect but perfectly authentic life is so refreshing! To my girlfriends……THANK YOU. You are my SOUL SISTERS of SOLACE! Your Girlfriend Voices have comforted me more than you know!
How do you feel about struggling? What is your support system?...
Planting Hope
Today I smelled a hint of spring in the air and for me there is almost nothing better than connecting with my garden. I decided to plant the Hollyhock seeds I’ve been saving from my previous garden. (Clarification: this weekend I found the seeds I put away when I moved a year ago! Time to plant them before I lose them again!)
Planting seeds is a wonderful visual. I hope that my little seeds will become stately stalks of color but I won’t know for many months. What do I have to lose? I lovingly set them in moist rich soil and wish them a safe journey.
I love giving time and attention to my garden because it graciously receives all my efforts. (and there is no talking back!) I give and give and have no expectation of any return. Is that a crazy statement? Not at all, especially if you know me! It is one of the few things I do where I plan, nurture and happily accept the results. I have no control over the weather. I do my part to fertilize, water and place plants where they will thrive. The rest of the work is up to those little seeds.
My seeds are my hope and a reminder that life has seasons.
Resentment is like a seed. You put it away but it grows—it doesn’t need light or water; just time. Resentment takes up valuable space. I think of resentment like an AA battery left too long in my desk drawer. The acid slowly leaks out and ruins things, leaving a rusty stain behind.
Angry feelings left unattended will seed resentment. Is it realistic to assume can avoid resentment when anger is a natural emotion?
The next time you get angry, ask yourself a few questions BEFORE you react.
Identify the ONE thing that irks you most—was it an insult? Someone let you down? Was there lack respect or appreciation? Resist the urge to rehash the entire situation by focusing on the predominant offense.
What is your role in the situation? For instance were you relying on telepathy to communicate? (I do it all the time!) Were your expectations out of line? Did your mood invite or elevate the situation?
Have you allowed this behavior in the past to go unaddressed? Do you say “whatever” and silently seethe?
If we understand the anger, we can prevent the anger from seeding poisonous resentment.
There were times in my life when I wore resentment like armor. You see, I love someone afflicted with addiction. Addiction is a disease—not a lifestyle. I have been disappointed, irate, terrified, and sad beyond words but then I look at that four letter word H.O.P.E. I have HOPE that he will be safe and find his way. I have hope that I will continue loving him without judgment.
I also was in a long term relationship where I felt unappreciated; where sarcasm was considered “affectionate banter”. I thought that no response was the right response...
Pause. Invite. Appreciate. Share. Repeat!
I was sitting in the airport last week, focused on a six year old boy playing with his Dad. This boy, I’ll call him Junior, was adorable—wearing those shoes that light up when you walk. I fathom he had on a new outfit and his backpack was full of action figures and snacks. If I had to guess, the young Dad, sporting a 5 o’clock shadow, had probably worked the night shift before picking up Junior for the trip.
As we waited to depart, Junior was bouncy, silly and delightful. Dad could barely keep his eyes open so Junior decided it was time for a joke, then a song, or wait let me tell you about school, and so on. He reminded me of the finches at my bird feeder. Constant chatter. Constant movement.
Dad did his best to smile and nod but he was a man of few words. Although silent, Dad radiated warmth and pride.
“It’s too bad we outgrow happiness”, said the women sitting next to me. I paused, mostly in shock, and then she repeated herself as if I hadn’t heard her. “It’s really too bad we out grow our happy years.” I am rarely speechless but this comment shut me down.
Had I been younger, I would have launched into a full discussion or rather debate on why she was dead wrong. Now that I am older and wiser, I chose instead to look at my reaction and why I was so bothered.
My Girlfriend Voice was purring in my ear.
I paused and thought about what she said. I invited my wise Girlfriend Voice to help me understand and respond without sounding like a “B” or a “new age know it all”.
“I absolutely disagree that we outgrow happiness!! Yes, we outgrow clothing and sometimes relationships. Yes, our brains thirst for increasing knowledge and experience. Yes, with age comes responsibility but also opportunity. Happiness is always available.” Exhaling, I took a big breath in and awaited her response.
Does happiness have a shelf life? NO
Is happiness finite? NO
Imagine if we told every child to make sure they were happy when they were young because as adults didn’t have the same option. And not to use up their happiness too fast because it is in limited in supply!!!! This is ridiculous, huh?
The lady never did respond to me. My annoyance with her eventually turned to compassion. (Really did!) Her reasoning could be seeded by a track record of pain and disappointment or the belief that she wasn’t entitled to happiness. It wasn’t my place to try to fix or convince her. Luckily I know that happiness is my responsibility and available to me no matter what my age.
My definition of happiness has broadened since my younger years. I find delight in many things because perhaps,
I pause to welcome happiness. Pausing….
I invite happiness to linger....
BAM! Yummy goes to Crummy
I woke up with a hangover. Let me clarify. I have a chocolate cake hangover. One piece of chocolate cake and I have a “CAKEOVER” in the morning!!! Is that a good thing or a bad thing? I am still weighing the pros and cons of that question.
I know I am not supposed to eat junk food but every once in a while I crave a slice of rich, delicious chocolate fudge cake from my local grocery store. I savor each heavenly bite of that four by four by four inch square. Twelve hours later and the payback sets in. CAKEOVER HEADACHE! Yummy goes to crummy real fast.
Wouldn’t it be great if every time we indulged in something negative/toxic/dangerous, we had a physical reaction to remind us there are consequences? Think about it.
You spend two years dating the wrong person. BAM! Stomach flu sets in before the end of your first date and you are saved from 24 months of a hellacious emotional roller coaster ride.
You take a new job only to find out that the new boss mislead you regarding his “expectations” and you are assigned to cubicle purgatory. BAM! Hives break out during the interview and you never get the job offer.
You say that cheap, angry insult out loud in a moment of anger. BAM! Momentary amnesia sets in for everyone within earshot and you are granted a “start over”. N0 apology necessary. Now what was I saying?
I am not suggesting that we have a physical punishment every time we approach the “danger zone” but we can learn to develop an awareness based on our body’s clues essentially trying to shoot a flare to the brain. For instance, when my face tenses up and I scrunch my eyes, it means I am not listening anymore and I am about to interrupt you! There are times when my breathing is shallow – usually because I am angry or annoyed. I am not listening then either; instead I am having a dark moment plotting your demise. Or when I press soooooo hard while texting that my finger threatens to crack the screen! IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND URGENT THAT YOU READ MY MESSAGE! NOW!
I wish that every time I had a physical “body cue” that I translated it into a PAUSE; a pause which allowed time to review the situation and plan my response. Pausing I could evaluate, “Will “X” be worth the outcome of “Z”? Uh oh, sounds like a story problem and I don’t do math after 5pm!
Let your Girlfriend Voice be your BAM! Let her wisdom guide you. With her guidance, you will find yourself RESPONDING rather than REACTING.
Slow down your breathing. Slow down and feel what’s in your body. Slow down and listen in. Slow down –period.
Will I stop eating chocolate cake? No, but I will eat it earlier in the day followed by a huge glass of...
The Thrill is in the Hunt
I love to shop at thrift stores, garage sales and consignment stores for clothing and home furnishings. I know what I don’t want and I’ll know what I want when I see it. Makes sense, right? Lucky me, it was half price day at one of my favorites stores.
There it was, calling to me, from the “ART” section.
Twilight in the desert
A lonely stretch of road; illuminated by a single vehicle
A Kenmore Mack truck lights up the barren sky
“Breaker-breaker, good buddy! Do ya copy?”
Yes, I bought a painting of an 18 wheeler! The best part is that when you plug in this delicious canvas, light shines out of twenty punched holes filled with yellow and red Christmas lights. My Mack truck lights up the desert night sky like beacon of hope! Bingo. I hit the mother lode for $11.25.
In reference to my living room, I could wait until I find a respectable or even inspirational piece of art to fill the space above my fireplace or I can hang something that makes me happy right now. How often do I/you search for SOMETHING to fill a space, discarding viable options, when there is something right in front of me/us that makes perfect sense?
I had found THE HAPPY TRUCK and it was meant to adorn my wall.
There were years when I was looking for happiness. I wanted to unload the “UN-happy”. I needed a fix.
It was much easier to push the blame outwardly than to dive inwardly and take responsibility for my situation. “If you only did this or stopped doing this, I would be happier.” NOT. Luckily I woke up and decided that something had to change. I stepped into the truth and started to look at ME.
I was the one that needed to change.
Slowly and often painfully, I looked at MY actions — the only thing I have control over. I didn’t like most of what I saw in there. The truth hurts but I needed to make an inventory. I made changes where I could, baby steps, until I felt grounded. It took a few years to believe that I was responsible for my own happiness and then a few more years to put my new perspective into practice and leap into a new life.
I define my happiness.
My happiness is not dependent on you.
I am responsible for my own happiness.
Happiness is not an all or nothing situation. For instance, I am quite happy sitting under my blanket despite that I have been sick since Tuesday with a monstrous cold. I am happy the white load got washed and put away even though I have two more loads to go. I am happy that my Frig is clean even though it means eggs for dinner (again!) or a trip to the store later.
I grab at happiness, drape it over me and let the other stuff go.
Someday I’d like to create a piece of art to hang on the hearth but there is no excuse for not enjoying what I have today.
“Catch you on the flip side and...
It’s a Good Thing I Like You
“It’s a good thing I like you.” Have you ever caught yourself using that phrase? I have said it when a friend was late meeting me for dinner but she didn’t have any good reason for her tardiness. I thought, “It’s a good thing I like you.” I said the same thing when my dog ate my cinnamon roll as I turned my back to grab the phone. I said it to my son when he forgot to pick me up from the library. He is damn lucky I like him!
Have I ever applied, “it’s a good thing I like you” to myself? To my own actions? Easy answer. I have said it to myself only once and it just so happened last week.
Last Sunday I headed out to my Salsa practice. Since it was the weekend, I took extra time getting ready. I was feeling pretty damn sexy in a black lace outfit when I headed out the door. Well, it didn’t take long before I was snapped out of the sexy zone into an OMG zone. You see spinning around, my heel caught on the back hem of my skirt, pulling the whole thing down to mid-thigh in one smooth motion! Now, my first thought was, “Thank goodness you have on nice panties!” followed quickly by, “It’s a good thing I can laugh at myself!!!”. Who would have known that a wardrobe malfunction would have turned out to be such a positive thing?
I find that I’m a more forgiving of others foibles than I am of my own. What about life has conditioned this response? Rather than debate the origin, it is easier to focus on the benefits of applying “self-like”.
I find I am more present. I am less reactive and far more responsive. I am more confident.
Suggested thoughts—try it out and see how it fits!
- I like you and you are worthy of love and happiness.
- I like you just the way you are. You are beautiful.
- I like you. You are capable and compassionate.
“It’s a good thing I like you because you still haven’t put those Christmas decorations away!” said me to myself!
This is another way My Girlfriend Voice speaks to me. How does your Girlfriend Voice speak to you?
From the heart,
Cara
Leaving the Comfort Zone
The world can be a scary place—-especially when you start to recognize your true potential. Tasting and trusting your own power can scare the hell out of you! I posted a quote earlier in the week that people will discourage you from acting on your dreams because they fear you will succeed. The NEW you may leave them behind and since they lack the courage to reach for their own dreams, they’d rather you keep each other company in “unfulfilled land”.
If it is not someone else discouraging you, you may be discouraging yourself. Self-sabotage is real. I’ll use writing this blog as an example. For years people have encouraged me to write my stories and thoughts but my response was, “I am not a writer or who would read it?” Correction. Everyone is a writer, I just don’t happen to make a living from it. Secondly, who cares if anyone reads my blog! I write for the pleasure of sharing and hopefully, building a community of like-minded individuals. I rely on daily inspiration found in books and on the web so this is my way of paying forward what I have learned/will learn/need to learn…..get my drift?Writing keeps me grounded in today. When people say they wish they could follow one of their dreams, I ask them these questions:
Question: What is the worst thing that can happen if you follow your dream?
Answer: You won’t like it. At least you will know it wasn’t for you!
Question: I won’t be good at “it” so why try something new?
Answer: Are you really saying you fear failure? Look at your endeavor as “progress not perfection”! Besides, not every change/adventure has to be a public proclamation.
Question: I don’t have time to do anything else. I have too much on my plate now.
Answer: You do have time—if you want to find it. It may mean rearranging your schedule to allow a little time for yourself. You may need to let go of other things, especially the activities and people that don’t make you excited anymore, because if you want IT, you have to make IT happen. This is an active process. Dreams don’t happen by wishing!
Question: How will you feel if you don’t do “it”?
Answer: I will probably regret it. I’ll get over it. Doesn’t everybody have regrets?
I was quite uncomfortable when I started salsa dancing but the pleasure outweighed my discomfort. I am sticking with it! I was also terrible at tennis so after a 4-part class, I decided this was one thing I could let go of, at least for now! I started knitting again last year but I have yet to make a set of fingerless gloves that match in size. I unravel and start again shrugging my shoulders—no big deal. ...
