For most of my adult life I did not want anyone to know that things weren’t rosy behind the white picket fence.  I thought if I admitted my struggle, it was a negative reflection on my character.  It meant I was weak, incompetent, lazy, and maybe even stupid.  Pretty harsh words, huh? 

I was acting a part.  I was the perfect wife, mother, friend and professional.  What I didn’t know was that if you play the same role for years, you begin to forget who you are.  You drift further and further away from your true self and become a character from your imaginary life; just going through the motions.

Avoiding those feelings or then deciding not to seek help meant that I could tune out what I didn’t like——-shut off the critical voice.  I didn’t have to hear how horrible I was, however, there was a big price to pay.  There were days that I would BLOW without provocation.  More often I would cry in the bathroom or in the car – that is where I could touch up my makeup so no one knew I had been upset.  Put on a pretty face and carry on!

Last week I touched base with a friend who seemed different but I couldn’t put my finger on it.  They asked me for advice on how I remain positive despite the many things I have on my plate.  I truly am happy despite living in one of the most stressful times of my life.  My secret?  Once I started to admit I wasn’t “FINE” every time some asked me, I started to feel much better.   It sounds simple because it is.

Now I don’t go on and on, in intimate detail every time someone chirps, “Hi, How are you today?”  I am not obligated to say FINE.  I’d rather to say something I am happy or grateful for.  It shifts my thinking over to the positive side.

Let me interrupt this thought with an important reminder.     Before you start giving anyone advice, ask them if they WANT YOUR advice and if they do, speak only from YOUR OWN experience—that is your truth.  If not, zip your lip.

Why did I choose to check my emotions?  What was I avoiding besides the critical voice?

I thought my friends would judge me when they knew I was struggling.     THEY DIDN’T.

I thought I would have to justify or defend my decisions.      NOPE.

I thought they would abandon me to avoid the drama.    NOT A CHANCE.

I thought I may intensify or attract more of what I wanted to get rid of.   This is something to pay attention to.  If you feel stuck and you are repeating yourself, there may be another issue at play.  I am talking about letting the words flow through you—looking for a release and ultimately resolution.  Solid and stuck versus fluid and liberating— can you see where I am going?

Acknowledging what you are feeling allows you...

For the last two weeks, the word ALIGNMENT has been on my mind.  Perhaps this is a good thing since I am on a ten day business trip—the “Cara –Palooza”—jaunting across the country, meeting folks for my day job.  I love meeting the clients in person but I have to say, sitting in airports and wearing the same two outfits over and over is making me cranky! 

In simple terms, alignment can be defined as the proper placement of muscles so that your bones have to do less work and therefore expend less energy.  (I always feel better after yoga!)  Another example is how we balance the tires on our car so that they wear evenly.  This makes sense in the physical realm, however, what does alignment mean in the non-physical realm?

Emotionally I feel neutral; like my tires are balanced or my weight is evenly distributed between my two feet.  It took a concerted effort to land in this ZEN DEN.  At first I would describe the feeling as hollow or floating.   I didn’t know what to do without a whirlwind of turmoil in my head or anger in my gut.  Slowly the practice of gratitude and living in the present shifted me into neutral.  My mind is not fighting my emotions.  I prefer to think I contemplate my emotions.

Last week my favorite Uncle passed away after a long battle with emphysema.  He was plain tired of fighting and after a bought of pneumonia, he remained physically weak.  We joked that he liked control down to the very last detail but I am sure that he felt both a spiritual and emotional alignment when he decided it was time to let go.  Uncle Dave always made me feel good about myself and for that, I am blessed. 

Alignment is not intuitive because evolutionarily, we are born to react.  Being on the defensive or as I like to call it, being prepared (wink, wink), means I am threatened by you or I pose a threat to you.  If you take time to smell the daisies, practice kindness or god forbid meditate, prepare to be mowed over!

Alignment is an active practice. It is a choice with a lovely pay-off.

As the “Cara Palooza” comes to a close, I feel the need to offer a Public Service Announcement for those of you who don’t travel often; to help you get into alignment of course! (and out of my alignment)

1. The gate attendant will not forget to board the plane when it is time.  You don’t have to remind them to do their job.
2. Please exit the plane as you would exit a church service or wedding— ONE ROW AT A TIME. 
3. Do not block the aisle, hallway, sidewalk, etc. with your stuff.   STEP TO THE SIDE.
4. You loud talkers — STOP!  Just because you have time to talk doesn’t mean you should.
5. Use headphones— I am trying to read “Fifty Shades of Grey” in the row behind you and I don’t want to listen to that crap you have blaring at full...

What a night!  Attending a dinner party on a school night seemed like such an illicit affair! Delicious food and even more delicious company!  We sat at the dining room table and used the good china! I wouldn’t have cared if we had been served frozen waffles on paper plates.  I am grateful for the opportunity to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

There was a spiritual kinship amongst the guests; five women who have reinvented themselves at least once if not twice in their lives.  Women who shine because they possess the fine quality of being authentic; comfortable in the skin they embody.

At 7pm, a gong sound rang out and our “Hostess with the Mostess” let us in on a wonderful new practice.  At the same time every day, the gong sound reminds her to stop and say a blessing for her friends.  WOW—uber cool!

She learned of this practice while visiting a college friend and wanted to pass it along to us.  This is the ultimate “hostess gift”.  If you have read some of my previous blog posts, you know I proselytize the “power of the pause”!!! I absolutely love it this idea and thought I’d pass it along to you.

Let me share a few more notes from our gathering.   We agreed that kindness never gets old.  We discussed the importance of a “friendship network” and how confidence is the sexiest quality in a person.

Remember the phrase, “Be careful what you wish for!”  I am a firm believer that the intentions you put out to the Universe will be answered but I was advised that the intentions I speak of may not be specific enough.  Holy smokes, thank you.  As a result, I made an appointment with the Universe today and restated my intentions in very specific terms!  Phew.

I am reminded of a story where a blind man was granted one wish.  You would imagine he would ask for his sight but his wish was as follows and I paraphrase, “I wish to be standing on the roof of my mansion, covered in gold, watching my many grandchildren play in the vast garden.”    Was he greedy?  Maybe but the moral of the story is to ask for exactly what you want.  Just sayin!

Today I felt a renewed sense of creativity.  Was it the result of the gathering?  YES!  The people you surround yourself with can lift you up or drain you.  Be selective with your time.

You are your most valuable resource.

Thank you, ladies!

From the heart,

Cara

Photo credit:  spiritsentient.com

So Sadness Enhances Creativity?

I was listening to a radio interview on the topic of creativity and one  statement stuck in my brain.  Four days later and I’m still thinking about the theory that sad people are the most creative people.  At first I thought of tortured artists like Van Gough and Pollack but weren’t they dealing with more than mere sadness?  OK, perhaps I am getting too analytical.

When I was sad, I didn’t feel the creative spirit pouring out of me.  I was tired and cried all the time.  My most creative venture was getting dressed—if there was anything clean to wear! If I was really creative I could a make dinner out of supplies in the pantry.

Why would sadness unleash creativity?  My theory is that the INNER CRITIC voice may be dampened to the degree that creativity sees an opening and feels safe to explore. 

Blessings did arise from my sadness.  Through cognitive behavior therapy, I learned how to work with my emotions and completely embrace myself.  I am a work in progress, don’t get me wrong, but I start each day grounded in gratitude and seeking happiness.

My Girlfriend Voice (MGV) came to light during my sadness.  I noticed I had this soothing, compassionate voice in my head.  For example, if I was contemplating how to handle a snarky comment from my former boss my MGV would say, “You can go down to their level or just let it go.  You’ll make the right choice”.    The choice was mine.  I love having choices!

Had I listened to my inner critic that day, it probably would have said, “Here we go again.  Why do you put up with this crap? Why don’t you have a new job?  Are you too lazy to look for one?  You should……  Why don’t you…. OMG!  Loser.”

I came to realize that the words the inner critic was delivering to my head were so harsh, things I would never dare utter out loud to another person.  Why would I talk to myself in such an abusive way? My inner-dialogue, lacking any sort of compassion or trust, shredded my self-confidence and squashed my objectivity.  It was a form of self-mutilation because words are weapons.

The more I listen to MGV, the less I hear from my inner critic!!

It would be unrealistic to think I could completely eliminate my inner critic.  Perhaps there is something important buried in those harsh words?  Again, it is my choice to take what I want and leave the rest behind. I’ve tried giving my inner critic an appointment time– like the DMV.  I tell her I’ll listen with undivided attention as long as what she says is helpful, kind or beneficial.  I’m not into whining or belittling but rather finding a solution.  Funny, she hasn’t come to call nearly as often.  ♥

From the heart,

Cara

Did I Just Say That????

Dang I can be brillant!  Have you ever have one of those moments, smack dab in the middle of a conversation, where you say something so amazing that you have to pause and write down your own words?  I had one of those recently when chatting with one of my girlfriends!!!

Here is my illuminating moment….. “When it comes to the people in your life, you are either on the same wavelength or you complement one another like Ying and Yang”.  If a relationship requires too much fixing, thinking, wishing, primping, etc., then hey, what’s up?  Why invest so much energy?

Time is a valuable asset; it is your MOST valuable asset.  If you use your time to morph people into something that they are not, is it worth the effort? Even if they go there, they won’t stay there long.  Why is it up to you to direct another person to change anyway?

Entering a relationship with the desire to change someone is not going to go well!

Let’s flip the situation because I know people who try to morph me into something I am not to fit THEIR needs!  Not only do I feel uncomfortable, I start to resent the feeling of not being good enough.  No one defines me but me.

Maybe friendships work for two simple reasons.   

1. You are on the same wavelength:  you can actually finish each other’s sentences!  You often communicate without a sound—reading each other’s mind (or eye roll!) Sisters of a different mother! Comfortable.
2. You are the complement of one another:  the introvert and the extrovert, the left brain and the right brain.  You COMPLEMENT one another and there is no pressure to be anything but your lovely self. You bring out the best of one another.  Surprisingly this works like Lucy and Ethyl, Laverne and Shirley.

Simple and sweet.

What do think?  Do you have more friends in the first category or the second? For me I have very few in the “opposites” category.  Can’t wait to hear from you!

From the heart,

Cara

Elephant image from laurenconrad.com

What I Want… A letter to my son

What I want for you, my son….I want you to see me as a person.  I am more than your parent.  I am a creative, generous, sensitive woman.

I want you to understand that it is difficult providing you the space you need to make mistakes.  I want to shelter you from hurt and disappointment.  Parenting is the most difficult thing I have ever done and most of the time I don’t feel very good at it.

I want you to be comfortable in your own skin; never feeling inferior or inadequate.  You are responsible for your own happiness.

I want you to realize that unresolved anger seeds resentment; a toxic companion.  Exercise the power of forgiveness and feel your heart open.

I want you to feel the beauty of true love and how it feels to share your heart, your fears and your dreams with someone who loves you for who you are.

I want you to know that we may not always agree but I will always love you.  I am blessed share my life with you.

Love,

Mom

Editor’s Note:  Although my sons are now 19 and 21, I felt it may be time to tell them again what I want for them and what I consider to be life’s most important concepts.   

From the heart,  Cara

Advice?  It’s an Artform

ADVICE.  It sounds like a simple topic yet giving and receiving advice is a mine field or should I say MIND field which potentially disables otherwise healthy relationships.

Think back to the last time you received unsolicited advice.  I bet it didn’t feel good regardless of the topic.   As soon as I hear “YOU SHOULD”, my hackles go up.  I stop listening.  It’s like you’re holding my arms down and force feeding me worms.  Stop already!  I am super sensitive to you know-it-all “do gooders” that try to tell me what to do!

Because I am sensitive to unsolicited advice givers, I try to mind my P’s and Q’s and keep quiet.  If I had to guess, I would say that the catalyst for giving unsolicited advice likely falls into one of three categories:

1) POWER PLAY.  The need to be the authority figure or the need to feel important.

2) DRAMA QUEEN.  The “need to be needed” a monster fed on a strict “drama diet”.

3) ALTRUISTIC DO-GOODER.  An eager but authentic desire to help.

So what if you are asked to provide advice?  Is there a good way to offer your thoughts without blowing up the MIND field?

GOLDEN RULE:  DO NOT OFFER ANY ADVICE UNLESS YOU ARE ASKED FOR IT.

Then when you do speak up, you address the topic from your own experience.  “I found or I did” over “you should”.  Speak from your truth.  The recipient takes what they want and leaves the rest.    The quality of your advice has nothing to do with their actions. You are not tied to their outcome.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you don’t know if you are being asked for advice???  If in doubt you can say, “do you want to know what I think?” And then be prepared to stop talking if they say no!  (easier said than done!)  Engage brain before engaging mouth.  I find myself in this position quite often with my boys.

Please, only give sincere advice that you support and would follow yourself!  Be credible.  If not, your words feel cheap.  There is no other way I can think to describe it. I can smell “cheap” a mile away!  Save your breath.

Now the flipside……you are the advice seeker. You are looking for guidance so consider this:

1. The SOURCE.  Am I asking the right person for advice?  I wouldn’t ask my son for parenting advice nor would you want me to give you advice on your investment portfolio.   Am I going to someone that is afraid to tell me the truth? Do I trust that they will have my best interest in mind?  That they will be honest!

2. Feeling RESISTANCE.  If I run up against resistance, I know there is something else going on and I probably need guidance.  This week I was asked to...

Pause. Invite. Appreciate. Share. Repeat!

I was sitting in the airport last week, focused on a six year old boy playing with his Dad.  This boy, I’ll call him Junior, was adorable—wearing those shoes that light up when you walk.  I fathom he had on a new outfit and his backpack was full of action figures and snacks.  If I had to guess, the young Dad, sporting a 5 o’clock shadow, had probably worked the night shift before picking up Junior for the trip.

As we waited to depart, Junior was bouncy, silly and delightful.  Dad could barely keep his eyes open so Junior decided it was time for a joke, then a song, or wait let me tell you about school, and so on.   He reminded me of the finches at my bird feeder.   Constant chatter.  Constant movement.

Dad did his best to smile and nod but he was a man of few words.  Although silent, Dad radiated warmth and pride.

“It’s too bad we outgrow happiness”, said the women sitting next to me.  I paused, mostly in shock, and then she repeated herself as if I hadn’t heard her.  “It’s really too bad we out grow our happy years.”  I am rarely speechless but this comment shut me down.

Had I been younger, I would have launched into a full discussion or rather debate on why she was dead wrong.  Now that I am older and wiser, I chose instead to look at my reaction and why I was so bothered.

My Girlfriend Voice was purring in my ear.

I paused and thought about what she said.  I invited my wise Girlfriend Voice to help me understand and respond without sounding like a “B” or a “new age know it all”.

“I absolutely disagree that we outgrow happiness!!  Yes, we outgrow clothing and sometimes relationships.  Yes, our brains thirst for increasing knowledge and experience.  Yes, with age comes responsibility but also opportunity. Happiness is always available.”  Exhaling, I took a big breath in and awaited her response.

Does happiness have a shelf life?  NO  

Is happiness finite?  NO

Imagine if we told every child to make sure they were happy when they were young because as adults didn’t have the same option.  And not to use up their happiness too fast because it is in limited in supply!!!!  This is ridiculous, huh?

The lady never did respond to me.  My annoyance with her eventually turned to compassion. (Really did!) Her reasoning could be seeded by a track record of pain and disappointment or the belief that she wasn’t entitled to happiness. It wasn’t my place to try to fix or convince her.  Luckily I know that happiness is my responsibility and available to me no matter what my age.

My definition of happiness has broadened since my younger years.  I find delight in many things because perhaps,

I pause to welcome happiness. Pausing….

I invite happiness to linger....

BAM! Yummy goes to Crummy

I woke up with a hangover.  Let me clarify.  I have a chocolate cake hangover.  One piece of chocolate cake and I have a “CAKEOVER” in the morning!!!  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  I am still weighing the pros and cons of that question.

I know I am not supposed to eat junk food but every once in a while I crave a slice of rich, delicious chocolate fudge cake from my local grocery store.  I savor each heavenly bite of that four by four by four inch square.  Twelve hours later and the payback sets in.  CAKEOVER HEADACHE!  Yummy goes to crummy real fast. 

Wouldn’t it be great if every time we indulged in something negative/toxic/dangerous, we had a physical reaction to remind us there are consequences?  Think about it.

You spend two years dating the wrong person.  BAM!  Stomach flu sets in before the end of your first date and you are saved from 24 months of a hellacious emotional roller coaster ride.

You take a new job only to find out that the new boss mislead you regarding his “expectations” and you are assigned to cubicle purgatory.  BAM!  Hives break out during the interview and you never get the job offer.

You say that cheap, angry insult out loud in a moment of anger.  BAM!  Momentary amnesia sets in for everyone within earshot and you are granted a “start over”.  N0 apology necessary.  Now what was I saying?

I am not suggesting that we have a physical punishment every time we approach the “danger zone” but we can learn to develop an awareness based on our body’s clues essentially trying to shoot a flare to the brain.  For instance, when my face tenses up and I scrunch my eyes, it means I am not listening anymore and I am about to interrupt you!  There are times when my breathing is shallow – usually because I am angry or annoyed.  I am not listening then either; instead I am having a dark moment plotting your demise.  Or when I press soooooo hard while texting that my finger threatens to crack the screen!  IT IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND URGENT THAT YOU READ MY MESSAGE! NOW!

I wish that every time I had a physical “body cue” that I translated it into a PAUSE; a pause which allowed time to review the situation and plan my response.  Pausing I could evaluate, “Will “X” be worth the outcome of “Z”?    Uh oh, sounds like a story problem and I don’t do math after 5pm!

Let your Girlfriend Voice be your BAM!  Let her wisdom guide you. With her guidance, you will find yourself RESPONDING rather than REACTING.

Slow down your breathing. Slow down and feel what’s in your body.  Slow down and listen in.  Slow down –period.

Will I stop eating chocolate cake?  No, but I will eat it earlier in the day followed by a huge glass of...

A New Year of Possibility and Postings!

Happy New Year!   I spent the later half of December reviewing 2011 and for the first time ever, I am not letting what I SHOULD have done or WISHED for or even CRIED OVER to dominate my thinking.  I am content to review my life objectively.

The more I am based in gratitude and self-care, the more optimistic I feel. More options become available to me when I clear my mind of the past.

I have never considered myself a writer but writing these posts has unleashed my creativity, bolstered my self-esteem and convinced me that focusing on “the positive” can change your life.

I feel renewed.

This year I wish you continued spiritual and emotional growth, time for laughter and learning and finally, time to be STILL.   Thank you for being a member of my community.

From the heart,

Cara

My Favorite Things:  a gifting guide

This is what I know.  There are three important things that I can give you, whether you are a loved one or a total stranger.  Can you guess what they are?  No fancy wrapping paper is required and it won’t break the bank yet the impact of these gifts can last a lifetime.  This is the most exquisite gift I can give you!  And when the gift is reciprocated, you will feel awesome!

1. ?        2.?         3.?             Read on, my friend!

TIME     I’ll give you my time including my undivided attention.  My ears and mind are open to whatever you want to share.   I will listen and if you want me to, I’ll tell you what you want to know.  I’m interested in what YOU….your fears, your dreams, your daily do’s.

A SMILE   Your eyes dance and your face softens when your lips spread into a smile.  We may not see each other often, or more than once in a lifetime, but we can share a magical moment through your ageless smile.  Everyone smiles in the same language.

APPRECIATION    A simple thank you.  I won’t be too busy to express my sincere gratitude for the little things you do.  These words are the most needed yet easily forgotten.  I won’t take you for granted.  You are among my greatest blessings.

These are the gifts I am sharing with my friends and family as well the stranger who may become my friend.

Spare the stress and breathe.  You have everything you need to make your life and the lives of others complete.  Happy Gift Giving.

Give time.  Give smiles. Show appreciation.  Nothing could be sweeter….

From the heart,

Cara

The “D” word; Redefined

On Friday I spent the day in bed with a cold.  Sitting quietly, for an entire day is not easy for me.  I’m tired but not tired enough to sleep and I have the attention span of a five year old so reading a novel is out of the question.  Journaling was the only activity that fit my state of mind so I jotted down some notes on life.

I noticed that my mind kept coming back to the topic of “disability”.  First of all, the word “DISABILITY” really irks me.  Yes, there is a “limitation” but is this person really without ability?  If you have a physical limitation, it is easier for me to identify your limitation, but what about a limitation that I cannot see?

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, tens of millions of American experience mental disorders every year but only a small fraction receive treatment.  Serious mental illness effects one in four families.

What about a brain injury caused by a car accident, a hit and run mind you, which results in severe headaches?  Or my coworker with fibromyalgia who has good and bad days, but still shows up to work despite her pain? How about the soldiers returning home from the Middle East with PTSD?

My elderly friends with early Alzheimer’s may not be able to remember the story I read to them last week but usually I can’t either!  They lose connections to words faster than they lose connection to emotions.  In fact, I feel they are highly sensitized to how people feel about them.

Those that suffer a “limitation” do not want to be treated differently, it is quite the opposite. Those with a “limitation” often suffer frustration and shame that many of us cannot comprehend.   Most upsetting, those with a “limitation” are often discriminated against. 

Discrimination of the worst kind is that which rides under the radar AND is socially acceptable.  There are mean smirks, the rude comments, palpable tension between co-workers and …….……Isolation.   It is this behavior that feeds the fuel called STIGMA.   People become ashamed of their differences  and hide them rather than fearlessly share them with others.

I am haunted by the memory of an individual being accused of intoxication when buying a movie ticket because he had trouble presenting the right amount of money to the bitchy cashier.  He was developmentally different (I won’t use the word disabled anymore). He didn’t want trouble.  He wanted to see a darn movie like everybody else in line behind him.

Let me tell you what I define as a DISABILITY; as inspired by The World According to Mr. Rogers.

1. the inability to get in touch with your feelings
2. the inability to take responsibility for your actions
3. the inability to form lasting, intimate relationships

Mr Rogers writes, “Part of...