I love to learn. I’v
e got my podcasts and a ever increasing pile of books; my coaching group, TED Talks, NPR and a selection of scientific journals. I am never at a loss for material on my favorite topics — anything about the brain, our emotions and overall wellness.
My heart is that of both a student and a teacher. I am blessed with the ability to translate something complex in to a simple story or metaphor. This is where I am going to tell you the story of my dirty laundry.
I was sitting in therapy and said something to effect of that I don’t worry about myself as long as my emotions are not stuck on a super high spin cycle or totally absent like the power has gone out. The image of a washing machine popped into my head. I am a human washing machine!
I experience emotions similar to the cycles on a washing machine. Sometimes my stomach mimics the delicate cycle; slow agitation and cool water. Calm waters.
Other times my stomach defaults to a robust permanent press cycle where it’s all business as usual. No fuss — just wash and dry.
Every so often I have a heavy load, requiring a good pre-soaking to remove built-up grime; plus an extra spin cycle to squeeze out the excess.
I have become sensitive to how my emotions land in my body. I don’t always have the benefit of being consciously aware of what my brain may be holding on to until my stomach flags me down with cramps, nausea, flutters, etc. I am not complaining. This is a fantastic feedback system. My stomach’s got my back! (that sounded much funnier in my head)
I worry when I don’t feel anything at all. Unplugged. Absent or numb. Danger, Danger!! Total disconnection warrants further investigation.
I also worry if the machine spins and spins and spins; tearing my insides to shreds. Danger, Danger!! Pause and check in. What’s feeding this frenzy?
Every one of my emotions carry valuable information and there is no need to avoid or dismiss any of them. I shudder when I hear someone say, “stop crying!” PLEASE. Go ahead and cry. I also encourage you to jot down your thoughts and review them later. Keep those emotions moving — flowing through you. Be curious with yourself. Be compassionate with yourself.
Bottling up, deflecting them or numbing yourself out of feeling anything unpleasant will make you sick. Speaking from experience, it all catches up with you. You get sick. High blood pressure, anxiety, indigestion, headaches, acne, insomnia and depression to name a few. Possibly even cancer….
We don’t wash everything in hot water! We use a variety of settings. We don’t have one emotional setting either! It is tragic to think there is something wrong with you if you are not happy all the time. It’s just not possible.
I will...
The Emotional Roller Coas
ter. The constant ups and downs; extreme highs and the lowest of lows. You alternate between exhilarated and devastated; passionate and detached.
How did you get on the damn roller coaster in the first place?
YOU. Yep, sorry Girlfriend. You jumped on the ride. You got on the roller coaster all by yourself. How do I know? Because I did the same thing!
Did you realize that you had a choice to get ON and more importantly, that you hada choice or the power to get OFF? Remember the ruby slippers Dorothy wore in the Wizard of Oz? All along she had the power to return home. She just didn’t know how to access her power.
What are the warning signs that you ride the emotional roller coaster? The biggest red flag is that drama follows you everywhere. There are more subtle red flags too.
You laugh and cry in the same sentence.
You feel exhausted.
You give and give because it feels good but you’re now running on fumes.
You feel exhausted all the time.
it’s hard to focus or make decisions.
There is no time for you or for any fun.
What can you do to avoid the never ending roller coaster ride?
- Pause.
- Breathe.
- Become aware.
- What story are you telling yourself? I bet it is not true!
- Let go of the past. You can go round and round with the “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s” but that serves no purpose, does it? It just burns your precious energy! Forgive yourself. You were doing the best that you could at the time.
- Avoid future jumping– wondering what is going to happen tomorrow, or ten days from tomorrow. The “what if’s”!!!! Be present in this moment right here, right now.
- Adjust your mindset and take care of yourself. When you run on an empty tank, your are more susceptible to being taken hostage by your emotions.
- Release yourself from meeting the expectations of others. How about releasing yourself from the reactions and approval of others too? ( Such a juicy topic! I want to delve into this one further on a future post.)
- Enforce healthy boundaries. Learn to say NO. And when you say no, mean it!
- Witness “the drama” with either curiosity or compassion. Trust me, this approach will unhook you from the emotionally — give you some breathing space!
It is easy to be addicted to drama because you want to feel important! You want to help! You might think that it is your responsibility to help or to serve. This is my biggest weakness. I couldn’t quite see that I had started to enable bad behavior. It is a HUGE and EASY trap to fall into!
Does the emotional roller coaster ride resonate with you? It is something you experience more with family or in the workplace? With friends? I’d love to hear how you detach yourself. What happened that finally gave you permission to get off the ride? Drop a note...
I’m focused on finding beauty
-within myself
-within every human being
I’m at a loss for words when bigotry and violent acts are not condemned.
I will pause and connect to the BEAUTY in every human being.
I celebrate our diversity. In diversity there is STRENGTH.
I pray for peace and justice.
From the heart,
Cara
Girlfriend, you are so accustomed to your features that you forget just how beautiful you are to strangers!
Beauty stems from shining bright and living unapologetically!
Beauty isn’t defined by age, dress size or color.
Beauty is confidence.
Be YOU and you’ll be beautiful!
From the heart,
Cara
#mygirlfriendvoice #beauty #agelessbeauty #bodypositive #beauthentic #smile #shinebright
I feel a type of rawness these days. A rawness resulting from stripping away most of my blame, shame and guilt. I’ve shed the heavy layered untruths and all of what no longer suits me.
I have discarded the limitations I’ve carried around since youth like a snake sheds it skin.
A bright light now shines into my heart, illuminating the bruises and battle wounds; sparking optimism.
The searing hot truth of knowing “I am enough” and “I am worthy” glistens on my skin.
It all comes down to choice. You can sit in discomfort or let the discomfort move through you.
You can allow pain to paralyze you or fuel your transformation.
I am over 50, divorced after a long, unhappy marriage and an empty-nester. I
am estranged from one son and long for him to be healthy and free from chasing his dragon. The other son’s life mimics a page from a fashion catalog; European cut suits and jogs along the ocean at sunset.
I could look at myself as old and damaged or I can say, “Hello, Beautiful. Thanks for showing up! I’m glad you’ve arrived.
Now that I have stripped away pretense, expectations and assumption, I am ready to thrive a beautifully imperfect and quirky life.
I step into uncertainty, a little apprehensive, yet willing to take the journey. As I told my Girlfriends, “The risk is worth the reward, in fact there is far more risk in not taking action than to end up living with regret from a life played too safe and too small.
Uncertainty. I will accept uncertainty because I trust myself to make good decisions. I will not let fear drive outcome.
With uncertainty comes surrender. I surrender the need to be right and to always lead where there is wisdom in learning how to follow.
Surrender seeds possibility and soothes my weary, analytical mind. I do not always have to be right.
Courage is my compass.
Resilience and God’s grace have delivered me to the sweet intersection of vulnerability and empowerment.
From the heart,
Cara
Just when I think I have evolved into a spiritual peace dwelling goddess, I hear something that really pisses me off. Damn, in a few seconds I am playing tug of war with my rational brain to stay engaged and objective while my emotional brain rages. My heart rate increases and I feel my lips pursing; the sure sign of, “you’ve got to be kidding me or more likely WTF, what did you just say?” I think you may be able to relate to my scenario.
A coworker, who is normally pleasant and quite helpful, forwards an email thread between she and myself over to my boss. She includes a condescending statement about my “need for development”. The email thread was regarding a policy that was new to me but not a new policy. I admitted that for whatever reason no one had ever explained the scenario to me so I asked a handful of clarifying questions. I want to be better equipped to set expectations with my future clients. There is nothing wrong with admitting you don’t know something, right?
My boss is the one who brings this situation to my attention. He responded to said coworker revealing that my correspondence demonstrated professionalism and my desire to continually develop my skills.
What gets me is why she would not speak to me directly if she had any concerns?
I hate wormy cowards.
It is so much easier to chose to let go of something or to address the matter directly! No measly grey area. No judgment. I respect people who speak the truth.
I asked myself if anything she said was in fact true? My rational and raging brain agreed. The answer was no. No truth there so I am not feeling threatened.
Was I worried about looking bad or sounding stupid? No. This is a sensitive trigger area but nothing was engaging there.
Am I really annoyed with my own behavior? Am I a coward when I need lead? No, that’s not it. I am not projecting.
I asked myself why I was bothered at all? Why did this invoke a classic Cara, “pursed lips and roll my eyes response”? I am OK that she has an opinion that varies from mine. I am perturbed with the secrecy of the method. If you see an opportunity for a “teaching moment”, why wouldn’t you address it directly? Ask if the other person is open to a discussion?
Two days later I am still annoyed and then it hits me. I am annoyed not because of what she said. I am annoyed because I want her to be more like me. I want her to be empowered. She is likely annoyed wanting me to be more like her. It’s an AHA moment!
I assume that we are all doing our best and that is no malicious intent (unless of course you are my “X”)! There is beauty in our diversity!! Our skills and strengths actually compliment one another if you remove the conflict.
A open, respectful, honest conversation + respect for...
Hello Girlfriends! I am curious to know if after you read last week’s blog post, did you give yourself permission to do something differently? Did you take a step away from your comfort zone? Even a baby step is a step in the right direction.
I took action and gave myself permission to do something differently. I took myself out of a leadership role for an event in September. You see, I like to DO. I like to GIVE. The issue is that I can commit to so much activity that I over-do; I over-give. I exhaust myself.
Doing too much is my comfort zone.
Distraction and numbing techniques can be disguised as the overachieving professional superwoman! You want me on your team. You trust me to make things happen on schedule….. BUT……. I pay a price for my diligence because I give more than I get.
There are many times when I have said to friends, “I want to fly under the radar.” They laugh because they know how hard it is for me to step back and follow. Even if I don’t speak a word, my energy is LOUD.
For a long time I lived in another comfort zone called “anger”. I was angry at everything, dammit! In retrospect , I was in love with the power I felt while angry. I couldn’t access my power unless I was angry.
The Anger Zone
Thank goodness life kicked my butt. (Boy did it take a long time to be able to say that!!!) I stopped “shaming and should-ing” all over myself because when you fall to your knees, you have a choice to remain miserable on the floor or to get up and live differently. It’s your choice.
I am not saying that anger is always a bad thing. Anger can fuel change. The danger was that I was far too comfortable living in grimace-ville — I had earned a blackbelt in badass bitchiness!
I’ve graduated to positivity-ville where my power comes from diving into an understanding of who I am and identifying what is important to me. I love my imperfections, my boldness and my infinite curiosity. I love my ability to be self-aware and to share my beliefs. I love living in my truth.
My power is tied to my inner voice and my wisdom. My Girlfriend Voice is present because I make space for her guidance. I believe in my ability to make good decisions and to weather any storm. Sometimes I don’t like sitting in discomfort or “adulting”and that is OK. I’m only human!
Finding your voice is finding your power. Finding your voice doesn’t mean you have to respond. You can deliberately say nothing or do nothing. This quiet power is so damn delicious.
Personal power is an infinite resource!
Plug Into Your Power
It takes courage to dive in, doesn’t it? I didn’t like everything I discovered on my journey to finding myself, however I can expand and leverage the things that I...
Oopsie! I had a premature post there a little bit ago – hopefully that won’t happen again. I’m using the WordPress site on my IPad as my laptop died on me. So inconsiderate!! I just lost an entire post so I’m grabbing a sangria and starting over. Cheers! …………
Ok, Girlfriends, I need to rant. I need to blow off a little steam and GET THIS OFF MY CHEST. I don’t want to go to carry around this angst.
So what has my panties in a twist? Take a guess……
My kids? Surprisingly no.
My X-husband, “Mr. MF-Ski”? Nope.
My boss? Ha, ha, no. He has been behaving lately.
I am not pissed about my cellulite, how the refrigerator stinks (again), the high cost of living in the Bay Area or how hard it is to find stylish walking sandals that don’t look like Grandma Wilma’s orthopaedics!
I am breathing hard because I am FED UP. Enough already!
I have heard too many excuses; excuses like you don’t have time, you don’t have a choice, you don’t have a small waist or a big bank account…… you don’t think your opinion matters, you don’t want to rock the boat, blah, blah, blah!
You don’t want to date until you lose ten pounds. You don’t want to travel until you retire. You don’t want a new job because you don’t like change.
…….. ……….. ………. ……. You don’t have any problem complaining though. ………that’s the part that annoys me!
I see your heavy heart. I feel your outrage. I hear your desperation.
Your pain is very familiar to me.
Like you, I chose to play it safe. I lived surrounded by walls built by my own fear. I put everyone else and everything else first. I either numbed or distracted myself to keep from feeling anything. I blamed everyone and everything for my UN-everythingness!!
Superwoman puts up with bullshit because she can; she’s a fictional character!!! We on the other hand are only human!
I used to live that way but I don’t do that anymore. I gave myself permission to think and act differently. I’m in no way perfect- I still slip up and indulge in a bitchfest or feel sorry for myself. Progress not perfection, Girlfriends!
When I was in the elementary school, I pitched an idea to my teacher. We had a trash problem on the playground and I told her that we could solve the issue if we bedazzled our trash cans. “Let’s make it fun to throw away our trash!” ! Ok, I didn’t use the word bedazzled in 1972 but this is a true story! The project was approved. I moved ahead with my idea. The can said, “FEED ME’ and featured Lucy from The Peanuts.
Fear has a way of looking really attractive; like a big colorful trashcan called Lucy who eats your dreams. The more you feed the fear, they more fear grows and keeps you small.
Fear...
What does your bedtime routine look like? Personally, I prefer to read for a bit then go to bed early. Geez though, you have be careful what you read as the day’s headlines are so damn depressing.
I was too lazy to get out of bed and walk twenty feet to the living room where I’d left my magazine so I picked up my phone. The phone at bedtime! BIG MISTAKE. I made the all too familiar mistake of looking at my email and two hours later I was too worked up to sleep.
To educate myself about the Opioid Epidemic, I have Google alerts which provide me links to daily news articles. Tragically there are so many daily alerts that’s it’s hard to keep up. So why do I put myself there? Because I chose to and because I’m a Fierce Mama turned Advocate. I will advocate to reduce the stigma of substance use disorders and influence policy makers to provide more effective and affordable treatment options. Incarceration is not the answer.Just like Bob Marley said, “get up, stand up, stand up for your right.” I have a right to be me and follow my passion just like you have a right to be you.
I’m exercising my right to speak up. I believe one person can make a difference.
So why opioids? My family has been and continues to be impacted or shall I say devastated by my son’s misuse of opioids. It’s hell. Actually hell sounds nice compared to our story. It’s impossible to describe the gut wrenching nightmare we’ve endured. The pain has sent me to my knees a million times over.
Please note. I do NOT want your pity. This is NOT why I’m writing about my experience.
I write because it helps me cope. It grounds me. Writing heals me.
“My Girlfriend Voice” arose from my frantic attempt to survive the chronic stress of my life. Not only did I have a child suffering from substance use and mental illness, I had another child who desperately needed his Mother’s attention and love. I was depressed and ending a long term marriage. I dreamt of running away.
Now while I don’t claim to know everything, I know I am resilient. I am wise because I learn from my experiences. Yes, I make mistakes. I cry big ugly snotty cries and I swear like a sailor. I rage, although not as often. I have bad days just like everyone.
Despite all of “this crap”, I’m happy and optimistic. It’s hard work but a terrific return on my investment. I am grateful for my deep compassion and perspective.
Thank goodness we gain wisdom as we experience pain!!
I’m willing to let you witness
to my process. I’m willing to share my thoughts and my tools in hopes that these stories will help you. I don’t want you to ever feel alone and hopeless.
Do you think this is weird? Narcissistic? You have a right to your opinion! I respect that! I don’t have to defend my motives or intentions.
In the spirit of sharing, here...
Whatever you feed gets stronger!
We feed our emotional system all day long.
The brain has a thought and the thought produces a feeling. Feed the brain with positive thoughts and positivity blooms. Feed it negative thoughts and negativity bellows. In fact, the negativity grows like you’ve added some serious steroids! Why is it unbalanced?
Humans tend to recall negative information far more often than positive information. It’s related to our hard wiring; a primal instinct. If you don’t remember to hide from T-Rex, you’re not going to live very long! Fire burns. Keep Momma happy and so on.
When I was 5, I fell down an escalator. Actually three of us took a tumble; myself, my brother and my pregnant Mother. We took a slide down the moving staircase at Sear’s. Fifty years later, escalators still freak me out! I recall that fall as if it happened last year.
Each time we recall something negative, the memory gets easier to recall and it takes up more space. Think of it like this, you go to Google and start to type a word starting with the letter “F”. Every “F” word you’ve previously searched for auto-populates and in decreasing order of the search frequency. I type in F-R and a new set of words pop up. I’m type in F-R-I and FRIDAY, my second favorite “F” word is at the top of the list.
Now what if I was feeling “he’s such an idiot!” and my brain was like Google. Every memory supporting the belief that “he’s an idiot” would auto-populate. The thoughts I use the most are highest in the search terms so I select one off the top; the best suited to fit my belief! Our brains searches for evidence of our belief. Fills in the gaps in the story!
Whoa, I’m feeling kind of brilliant for creating this analogy! Good on me!
Why don’t we recall positive memories as often as negative? Because, it’s not a survival instinct! My love of cupcakes won’t save my life but it could save your life. I’ve threatened to kill for a cupcake! Reader beware! We recall threats of danger like deadlines, mortgages, children and waistlines.
Here’s what My Girlfriend Voice recommends, “Limit the negative thinking. Detox the auto-populate feature by purposefully recalling less and less negativity. Why continually air that old stuff anyway?”
First step? Pause. Slow down. Be aware.
Second step? Find your gratitude. A practice of recalling what you are grateful for helps rewire your brain. Fill the space between your ears with goodness!
Whatever you fe
ed gets stronger. Feed fear and you live small. Feed your growth and you live large. Feed your heart, your confidence, your dreams! There is everything to gain and nothing to lose.
From the heart,
Cara
I believe in getting familiar with all of the voices in my head. You might remember me mentioning some of them in previous posts. I “humanize” these voices – not sure that anyone ever told me to do that but it made perfect sense to me. I want to meet “face to face” with Penny Perfectionist, Bitchy Becky, Anxious Abbie and the rest of that motley crew who contribute to the negative banter. My Girlfriend Voice lives with those mean girls and helps to keep them in check.
This weekend a new Voice had her debut. Let’s call her Warrior Woman. Rather than REACTING, she RESPONDS from a place of power and passion. She is not to be silenced or shunned. She is a fierce Momma – unleashed to lead and educate. It’s extra cool that this happens to be my 100th post!
You’ll end up hearing more from Warrior Woman. In the meantime, here is a link to my 3 minute video clip of her first public appearance.
My Girlfriend Voice is a tool for every woman and especially relevant for those impacted by anxiety, depression and grief. I don’t claim to be an expert! I’m walking the walk with you. I’m sharing what I know and sometimes it ain’t pretty. Other times I damned proud of myself!
There is something beautiful about struggle, right?
- You learn what you’re made of.
- You learn who your friends are.
- You learn to love yourself first and foremost.
- You learn that the only thing you can control is your response.
Until next week, settle in and invite your Girlfriend Voice to visit. Let her tell you everything’s gonna be OK. You are where you need to be!
Penny Perfectionist insists that I tell you that in case the formatting looks wonky, I wrote this on my phone.
From the heart,
Cara
Dearest Delightful Cara,
It’s almost your birthday and I wanted to write you a love letter.
Not so long ago you used to have a secret.
You never wanted to tell people how you felt.
To struggle was to fail.
To fail was unforgivable.
There were many times that your heart said, “I can’t take any more of “THAT”!
You hurt so badly that nothing held your head above water.
Your thinking was black and white and your words were void of color.
You got sick and tired of being str
ong.
The sadness settled into your cells and paralyzed you.
That was before. That was then.
Your saving grace is that you vibrate with curiosity.
Pausing, I see you breathe in gratitude.
You soak in the rays of your blessings.
You embrace reality, not perfection.
You do not attempt to have it all; to be a super woman.
You have sad days and feeling dumpy days.
You can be stubborn and impatient.
Rather than hiding, you let the discomfort move through you.
You consider the message it provides.
You also have radiant days. 
You exude passion and promise.
I hear you shout, “I AM ENOUGH in my perfectly imperfect world”.
You are willing to pull back the curtain, to share your stories with the world.
Vulnerability is the biggest gift you can give yourself.
Let the world be motivated by your courage and character.
We are celebrating that you, Dearest Cara, are a gift to the world.
Happy Birthday!
Your Loving Girlfriend Voice
