I have written and rewritten this sentence at least fifty times. How do I express my outrage regarding the murder of George Floyd on the heels of Ahmaud Arbery and Breona Taylor’s deaths? I am more than outraged but lack a word that fully describes my combined anger, frustration, intolerance and impatience for change.
I estimate that it was four to five years ago when I first heard the term “white privilege” I already knew that my skin color granted me much more freedom than black and brown people. Have we forgotten that this country was built on genocide and slave labor? Shamefully the oppression continues. I have to do more, say more, be more, lead more, learn more.
My voice and my actions are integral to the solution.
It’s more accurate to say I knew that I held white privilege but I didn’t really know the extent of my privilege. It’s absolutely necessary that I come clean with you. Not going deep enough in my white privilege blinded me from the racist threads residing in my DNA and that I unconsciously oppress BIPOC. Absolutely f-ing blind to me and this realization makes me sick.
I have already started my undoing. I’m not telling you this for a pat on the back but rather to encourage you to take action too. While I am not afraid to speak my mind, I must reevaluate my language and my beliefs at every single and cellular level. I’ve started reading “White Fragility” by Robin Diangelo. Today I attended a seminar on Equity, Diversity and Inclusion for White Coaches led by Trudi Lebron. (Excellent!) My first goal is to be explicit in my mission as an Anti-racist woman and leader.
My Girlfriend Voice is a hate-free anti-racist platform for women.
My Girlfriend Voice supports equity, diversity and inclusion.
I will speak to hate and take action against hate and all forms of discrimination and inequity; even subtle bias. It’s likely I will make mistakes and no worries, I will be accountable for them all. I hope you have the same attitude. I will call out racism whenever and wherever I see it; even when inconvenient. It’s going to make a lot of people uncomfortable.
My Girlfriend Voice is a brave space.
I used to say that I’d created a sacred space but that term no longer seems to describe the Girlfriend Voice community. Brave is defined in the dictionary as to endure or face unpleasant conditions or behavior without showing fear. We will respectfully address all stigma-laden topics including race. This is a safe, courageous, respectful gathering place. I believe brave people welcome introspection and participation in change.
And a comment regarding “spiritual bypassing:”. I am not going to paint rainbows and sing kumbaya, sidestepping these important issues or pretending they don’t exist. Hell no. In my journey to learn, practice and teach about self-limiting beliefs and empowerment, I am going to examine historical, cultural and religious based systems which also serve as barriers to bold living. And it’s going to be hard and enlightening; nauseating and liberating.
Yes, the journey ahead is going to be messy and awkward. And before you speak, especially criticize, check yourself. And if you are tired of hearing about racism then think of the people having to endure it? The only thing that seems contraindicated here is silence. Silence is compliance.
There is work to be done and we are going to look fear in the eye as equals. Are you with me? Excellent. If you have doubts then please unsubscribe.
I found the graphic by The Conscious Kid very helpful.
From the heart,
Cara
©2020MyGirlfriendVoice
Thank you Cara for speaking up so openly about the racism which is horrificly alive and well in our country, and about the issue of white privilege. Like you, I don’t consider myself a racist. But I sure don’t know what it’s like to be black and to be held back by the color of my skin. I am outraged by what happened to George Floyd and the countless other blacks who were not video recorded but have been detained, harassed, beaten, and even assassinated simply because they were black in the wrong place at the wtong time.
So here is my dilemma. I have a friend. We didn’t choose each other. Our now 30 something daughters became friends in preschool. Eventually we bonded over the kids, our divorces, etc. She couldn’t be more different than me. I was Berkley in the sixties…lost the bra, barefoot, unkempt big curly hair. She went to a Catholic school and was born a republican. I love hand crafted jewelry. She is all glitz. But we have seen one another through so much. She is one of the few friends that if I need something she is there. No questions asked. She has supported my choices in dealing with my addicted daughter with understanding and non-judgement. whether I was rescuing her or embracing tough love. She is one of those friends I can call on the phone if I’m feeling out of sorts but have absolutely nothing to say and that’s fine.
So maybe you know where I’m going with this? She is an unwavering Tea Party Trumper. As right wing as right will stretch. Yes, one of those that if Trump stood there with a gun and murdered someone…right on air, she would call it a democratic hoax or would just say “well I’m sure he had good reason”. So, a very long time ago, we learned not to talk politics. I have known that she is racist, and we’ve had some discussions on this. She has actually admitted it and has made an Itty bit of progress. BUT today I was aghast. The subject came up of Geoge Floyd. And she point-blank said “Oh it’s just a well…just one more thug out of the way.” (Gee, I wonder what made her use the word THUG). The argument ensued and the more I tried to reason with her, the the more heated it Baca e, and I realized that I was talking to a brick wall. She just got louder and more defensive. She hadn’t even watched the Video! You can’t reason with someone who has aligned herself with a distorted belief system and disregards facts as if they were bugs to swat away.. She was taught hate at a very young age and it is deeply embedded.
I feel sick and disgusted. Do I tell her we can’t be friends anymore and throw away a 30 year friendship? Or just go on shoveling it under the carpet saying, “No let’s stop here. I can’t discuss this with you without getting angry.” She is a caring and devoted friend otherwise. I am so frustrated and sad.
What would you do?
Hi Tamar,
I am a friend of Cara’s and have been embarking on my journey to unlearn racism. What I have realized is that some people won’t survive in my life because I am growing in a far different manner than them. I can still love them from afar, but I can’t be aligned with them in my life on a friendship level. It’s a sad truth.
My need to change myself and become a better human far outweighs any need to hold up the false pretenses in a relationship. And for far too long, white Americans have not been brave enough to speak up for fear of losing what we deem to be important friendships. Your friend’s viewpoint is the very dangerous thought process that emboldens harm and gives more rise to White Supremacy. And that is complicity in the death of many Black Americans.
I found this quote from Colin Powell that might give you something to think on:
“The less you associate with some people, the more your life will improve. Any time you tolerate mediocrity in others, it increases your mediocrity. An important attribute in successful people is their impatience with negative thinking and negative acting people. As you grow, your associates will change. Some of your friends will not want you to go on. They will want you to stay where they are. Friends that don’t help you climb will want you to crawl. Your friends will stretch your vision or choke your dream. Those that don’t increase you will eventually decrease you.”
Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts. And thank you standing up to someone who has such blatant disregard for another human. I hope this perspective helped.
Dear Tamar,
First of all let me say that I appreciate your willingness to share your dilemma. I have been thinking about this for a few days, standing in your shoes. Personally I am not able or willing to be friends with someone with such disregard for human life. Her views cause me to question everything about her. For closure I’d tell her why you are hurt and cannot continue. When we stand in our truth we have to be willing to accept the consequences. Now this is if it were me. You have to decide what’s right for you. Only you can make the right decision. No judgment of you either way.
Love you! Cara
Maybe just explain that you feel the need to distance yourself from her for a little while. It’s understandable in light of everything that has happened. Everyone’s on such a fragile edge right now. It’s PAINFUL. And she doesn’t feel your pain. That doesn’t sound like a true friendship to me. Then you guys can naturally drift apart. Or she can miss you enough to try to see your aspect of it and reach out to you. Then you can be friends again. You need to not be friends for right now though. And I promise you will feel better when you surround yourself with like minded ppl. It’s exactly what I already did when faced with your situation. It makes a difference, like a BIG one. Good luck. Be brave.
Cara and Leslie I thank you for your responses. I don’t think I could bare to bluntly tell her that I can’t be friends with her anymore…after 30 years. However, what I have found is that since that incident, I have been less inclined to initiate contact. She has also called less. When we have spoken I feel I have less to say. Just the same old familiar updates about the kids. I know the limitations of this relationship. It saddens me. I will forever be grateful for the unconditional support she has always given me with regard to my daughter who struggles with addiction. I think the letting go will just happen over time.
-Tamar