Author’s Note: I found this blog on my computer, written last April, but not published until today.
Writing has become difficult these days. My brain races from topic to topic. One thing I know is that it would be really easy to list the things I don’t have.
- I lost my job today. I don’t have a rainy day fund. Like California, my bank account is in a drought.
- My son may be heading to prison next month. Mental illness combined with addiction just SUCKS. Just when things are going well, “it” comes out and bites you bad, knocks the breath out of you and feels like acid on your tongue.
- The divorce is still not f-ing finished even though we separated almost seven years ago.
- I grieve after putting my goofy big dog down in February because he had a brain tumor.
- Mom is in the hospital again with a blood clot. Not good.
Lucky for me there is something deep down that that moves me and keeps me from getting stuck. “It’s not my style to be negative,” I say when people ask me how I persevere. Don’t get me wrong. I have moments and sometimes days when I slip into sadness. I am human. I walk that fine line; fearing the fall into another depression. (the sticky dark pit)
My strategy? Every day I live what I speak and my strategy is to focus on my choices. Without choices I WOULD feel hopeless. I would be stuck and probably dead.
I ask myself, “If I don’t like it, can I make a change? Will I practice gratitude or wallow in negativity? “
- The Job—I won’t get caught without an emergency fund again. I will find a new job and make good use of the time off.
- My Son—I can’t describe the pain I feel when my son struggles. It is a visceral ache with no remedy that I carry every waking moment and often in my dreams. Despite numerous hospitalizations and arrests, he is alive. He has his own path and purpose in this lifetime. My lesson is to love without judgment while surrendering any concept of blame or control.
- The Divorce—uhhhh. Enough already! I am going to get this done before the end of the year. Realizing I will never receive the apology I seek from the “X”, I can forgive myself and then celebrate my courage, integrity and endurance.
- Bosco—you were one of a kind dog and so many warm memories remain. I did everything I could but you told me it was OK when you stopped wanting to take walks or tear up the garbage.
- Mom– we can spend time together and I can try to help without the pressure of working.
What else will I do?
I will dance
I will cocoon.
I will laugh.
I will sleep.
I will give.
I will learn.
I will breathe.
I remember the day I understood that MY happiness was strictly MY responsibility. I had been waiting for everyone and everything else including Ben and Jerry’s to make me happy!!!! Then it clicked– the light went on and I knew that happiness was to be defined and created by ME.
At first the process was daunting as I had almost fifty years to reevaluate but looking backward or even standing still was too painful. What is the alternative? Just go forward.
I can’t rewrite the past but I can redefine my future.
I make good decisions.
I am loving and kind.
I surround myself with positive, supportive people.
I will be OK. I will be happy. I will survive.
November 12, 2014 Author’s Note:
I kept a low profile during the intense months of my divorce process and I missed writing this blog. I have plenty of notes in my journal and stories to share with you. I am back and feeling good. To update you:
- I was unemployed for three short months.
- My son is “off the street” but incarcerated. Despite his situation, we have an honest and loving relationship and he is safe. (I am keeping myself in denial about many things he faces.)
- The UN-divorce is now a DONE-divorce! As of September 18th, I am a single woman!
- I resist the urge to get another dog and embrace my new found freedom.
- Mom is home and still living under her terms. I must get my independent streak from her!
I am more than OK. I am very happy. I am kick-ass surviving.
Now that we are up to date, how do you manage in difficult times? Please comment below. I look forward to hearing from you!
From the heart,
(“How to deal with a bad day” photo borrowed from ChristineKane.com)