I don’t think I can go more than four hours without stepping on broken glass. Of course this is a metaphor. It’s the best way to describe how I feel when the painful realization surfaces that my oldest son is homeless, mentally ill and addicted to heroin.
I doubt you can imagine the emotions I hold in my heart, let alone comprehend what I’ve witnessed over the last ten years. You can’t imagine how I’ve suffered because frankly, there are no words to describe the depth and darkness of my nightmare.
You can’t imagine because I don’t have the courage to share my story with very many people. I claw and scream to escape public scrutiny and when I do open my heart, I don’t know what I’ll receive in return.
I’ve been told that addiction is a matter of willpower or something that happens to bad people.
I’ve been told that addiction is the result of poor parenting.
I’ve also overheard harsh comments about junkies and I shrink inside my shell; afraid that my fury fueled grief may cause me to say something I’ll regret.
I’m a mom who cries herself to sleep, swaddled in thick guilt.
I’m a mom paralyzed by late night calls from unknown numbers.
I’m a mom who dreads holiday celebrations, graduations and family gatherings. I listen politely to the Norman Rockwell-esque proclamations of your children’s achievements and I’m just hoping my son is still alive.
For Mother’s Day, I’m proud to declare that I’m becoming a mom who won’t let her son’s disease take her life too. I must keep living despite the enormous grief.
I will weather these emotional storms because shame, blame and guilt are not as powerful as my conviction for total wellness.
While I can’t change everything, I ask that you consider one simple request. Please connect with a relative, coworker, neighbor or friends, whomever you know that may be impacted by addiction, and ask how they are doing AND how their child is doing. Don’t let us suffer alone!
We are avoided like the plague however, please realize that addiction is a disease. Addiction is a disease just like cancer except there are no celebrity sponsors or spaghetti dinner fundraisers. No collectible stamps or invitations to the White House. Addiction is a taboo subject yet millions of our loved ones are in the clutches of this insatiable monster.
People say they don’t want to bring up anything sad or negative so they don’t ask me about my son. Here’s my perspective. If you don’t ask, you don’t care and you perpetuate the insidious shame cycle.
I’m not asking for your pity.
I’m am asking that you soften your heart.
I’m not asking for any endorsement of my strength or character.
I’m asking for your compassion.
I’m not asking for answers, cures or recommendations.
I’m asking to be seen and heard as a woman, friend, sister, neighbor who striving to keep herself and her hope alive.
As much as I work on keeping myself sane and safe, a piece of my heart dies with every set back. There’s been a revolving door or hospitalizations, incarcerations and homelessness. My weary Soul is sutured together but still resilient.
I’m too tired to do this alone, but you can help. Please ask me about my son. Let’s be in conversation together.
From the heart on Mother’s Day,
Cara
©MyGirlfriendVoice2011-2019
I pray each day for all of you. I wish I could have been more involved with the boys but living so far apart didn’t let that happen. I think of Eric often and if there is anything I can do please ask. Love you….
Thanks for sharing from the depths of your soul. Erasing shame and guilt can be exhausting. Take care of yourself too!
Cara — I’m stunned to hear about Eric and about all the suffering you have lived as a result. I hope it is OK that I forwarded this to Jaz. She is the most compassionate person I know and she also works with the homeless. My hope is that she will contact you.
If you ever want to sit down and talk about it all, please contact me.
Thank you, Ron! I may take you up on your offer to chat sometime.
You are as perfectly imperfect as any other mom, and you deserve to be loved, supported and comforted in every phase of motherhood. You should not feel alone because you aren’t. Too many of us have been in similar circumstances, because even good children can struggle with horrific problems. I applaud you sharing your worry, fear, despair and heartbreak because others will find solace learning they are not alone either. I am always here to cheer you on or hold you up; your heart will always have room for you to live your life fully and still to carry all of your love for your children even in the toughest of times.
Wishing you and your family peace, comfort, good health and healing. Xoxo
I am grateful to have you in my life as both a friend and mentor. Thank you, dearest Beth. Much love.
Cara- It’s been years since I have seen you but your words touched me and resonated with me. I’m not sure if our paths will cross again. Either way, know that I am thinking of you. Proud of you for being strong enough to voice your feelings, to move forward with your life amid the uncertainty of your son’s well being. I never had children but I can imagine how painful this is. If there is anything I can do please do not hesitate to ask. Hugs, Maureen.
I am so grateful that you took the time to write. Forgive my tardy response. Please keep sending positive thoughts our way. When people ask what they can do I often say to do something kind for someone in need. Maybe you will cross paths will a homeless person and you can offer them food or clothing? Thank you again for your kindness.
I’m so sorry for your pain! I’m here for you! I can’t even imagine the sadness and anxiety that you live every day! I love you!
I love your offer of support. Thank you! You’re an angel.
This is such a powerful piece. Thank you for your bravery and tender heart.
Sending you so much love. 💜
Thank you for taking the time to comment!
Cara, I can’t imagine what you must deal with each and every day. Your son does have a disease that is so difficult to treat and one that we don’t do enough for in order to fight it. You’re right though…you need to keep living. The day may come, and hopefully soon, when one of those phone calls will be from him asking for help and by taking care of you, you’ll be in a better place to do that. I promise to do a better job of checking in. We all get wrapped up in our own lives yet it truly takes a village to lift each other as we journey through life’s challenges. Thank you for sharing!
Ingrid, Thank you for your kind words. Forgive my tardy response! I had a recent phone message from my son saying he was ok so it was wonderful to hear his voice. No other info. I pray he finds his way. Take care of you too! Cara
You are the strongest woman I know! I am proud of you for being able to articulate your feelings for Eric. Many people don’t know what to say, so they say nothing. Stay strong ❤️
Thank you, dear friend. I love you. Keep us in your prayers.
I appreciate you sharing your story. This is so needed. Addiction is a family disease and is so much more common than many realize, because it’s so frowned upon to discuss. My heart breaks with you. I am grateful for you, your power and your vulnerability. Praying for you and your son!
Brooke, I am grateful to have you in my life! True, addiction is a family disease. It also has become an epidemic yet the stigma feeds shame rather than curiosity. I will keep doing what I can to share my story and let others know they are not alone. Take good care, Sweet Sister!
Right by your side sister! I too am living this life. Being rained on with broken pieces of shattered dreams for my addicted daughter. She also is on the streets, homeless etc. Yesterday was my birthday. I finally heard from her around 9pm telling me she had been arrested and has two new charges pending. She had thought of calling me to pick her up from the jail but found a ride. That would’ve been a happy birthday present with me I tell her. Oh crap she responds. I can’t believe I forgot. It’s fine I tell her not wanting to inflict more shame. But it’s not. I’ve had to learn to re-organize my expectations into a new normal. I miss her so much that I am hoping these charges put her away long enough for her to remember who she is. So my dear sister and friend, together we will share ways to keep our sanity and slay the beast!
Never been addicted Heroin . I’ve been homeless and have had addicted friends staying with me . When you’re homeless and have addicted friends those who don’t understand will accuse, & assume you’re junkie as well. Rumors are often used for narcissistic ends. Altruistic compassion is lost .
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy.”
~St. Francis
Nicholas. THANK YOU. I very much appreciate your comment.
It’s complicated yet I never give up hope. Bless your generous heart. THank you.
Thank you for taking the time to comment. Stay healthy.
My heart goes out to you, Cara. You have such strength and grace. There aren’t words for the ache of seeing loved ones act self destructively.
Thank you, Diane. I appreciate your kindness. You are so correct. There are NO WORDS.
Thank you. I appreciate your supportive comment. Not something I’d wish upon anyone. Learning to stay positive despite it all.
I’ve been wondering how your sensitive Sagittarius son is doing – creative and emotive … like my own wee creature who is now 7 and looking at 8. I just watched Ben is Back. My heart is full. I send you as much optimism as I can muster. xoxo
Thank you for your kindness. This is the hardest thing I have ever endured. My hope is that we can remove the stigma from the topic of addiction/substance abuse so that there is intervention EARLIER and CONSISTENTLY.
Thank you for your comment. I apologize for my tardy response! I continue to hope my boy finds his way. I had a recent voice message from him so it was a blessing to hear his voice.
I love you ❤️ I am interested in you. How you are feeling today. Please tell me more about him .
Thank you for your message. I am not sure where he is or how he is doing but I continue to send him love through my prayers.
Thank you so much for sharing. I also have lived this nightmare for 10 years and hope I can get to the place where you are!
Frankie,
I am so sorry to hear this. I hope you have support. Do you know about The Addict’s Mom (TAM) support group through Facebook? I am active in the CA chapter. It’s a lifesaver for me.
I will be thinking about you.
Cara