I have an army or critical voices in my head. If I had to put a body to these voices, it would look like an ugly bottom feeding creature that never sees the light of day. Negative thought energizes the creature; the family of creatures then energize each other. They feed on my fears, blow up in size and bellow familiar tunes. It’s familiar melody. This is an oldies station repetitively playing the classic tunes I have carried since childhood.
My playlist includes:
- “You are not good enough”
- “Who do you think you are?”
- “Stupid, stupid, stupid”.
Lately “the army” has become so boisterous that they convinced me to quit writing. They staged a hostile takeover!
It isn’t that I don’t have anything to share; my life is one crazy Seinfeld episode after another! I would start writing and “the army” would chant “waste of time bullshit-no one will care-no one is going to read this – your ego is out of control”, then the chorus comes in, “WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE”.
Fear was shutting me out—shutting down my creative spirit.
The very reason My Girlfriend Voice is important is that I am NOT those thoughts! I have become victim to what I had valiantly learned to silence or at least tolerate. My Girlfriend Voice has gone mute. The critics are holding me hostage.
Writing has saved my sanity. It is really that simple. I started writing when I had trouble breathing — trouble envisioning how to make it through the day without being crushed by sadness. I am not looking to win any awards. It is my hope that my stories will help someone else take a step towards embracing who they are and what they give to the world.
I have found comfort being vulnerable (still hate this word) and I have never been happier. In giving love, I feel love. In sharing myself with you, I feel completely present and grateful that I have a voice. I am good enough.
I find it interesting that when life is good, I have less drama and less fight, my insecurities surfaced for a reunion concert. It tells me that they are likely to be with me forever but it is up to me how much space I give them on the stage.
In these quieter days, I have the space and time to delve deeper into my blueprint of being. I look forward to my recommitment. Let the laughter, the learnings and the wisdom flow! That crappy critical playlist is background noise. My Girlfriend Voice is in the starring role—welcome to another chapter of authentic living!!
From the heart,
Colorful graphic courtesy of Healthtap.com