Dancing with my Demon
What a &#$^%#$&* week this has been — lesson after lesson reinforcing that I have to accept what is out of my control. I hate it. I hate the way I feel.
Sadly, I am watching someone close to me self-destruct. Despite multiple opportunities, much love and attention, this person is on a wild trajectory. While I know his journey has nothing to do with me, there are days when I would gladly trade places just to give him a sense of peace and direction; some stillness in his crazy world.
Turning the focus inward, my biggest personal demon is the need for control.
Believing I am in control reduces the chances of being stupid or disappointed, right?
DUH, sadly it is just a big fat set up!!! Control has many downsides. Overly preparing for every scenario precludes spontaneity and natural learning not to mention FUN and deep feeling. My control and probably yours too, is driven by fear. I fear looking stupid. I fear feeling disappointed. I fear getting hurt. I fear being lied to. I FEAR.
One of my strategies for fighting the need for be in control is mitigated by taking dancing lessons which require partnering. With dance, the body retains form but the soul must relax enough to feel the music. The more I tune into my partner, the better I dance. Listening, feeling and then trusting my partner to lead the dance is intoxicatingly seductive. A good carrot at the end of the stick!
Another thing I fear is Alzheimer’s disease. Losing my memory and the ability to care for myself frightens me more than any other disease. A really amazing opportunity fell into my lap which I couldn’t help but appreciate it’s larger cosmic significance. A local volunteer group called to see if I was willing to work with early stage Alzheimer’s patients. For an hour a week, I will read aloud and facilitate a discussion group. People struggling to stay present, to remember their name and simple details of their life will be MY teachers, demonstrating not only the importance of living in the moment but the ability to receive help.
Control fools you into believing that you can shape the reactions and actions of others.
NOT! Control is an “ultimate distraction” because it keeps me from looking at my own behavior. Fear makes you think you know better; you know more! Jach Pursel of Lazarus.com writes, “In the consensus reality, there are those who live control. They have no idea (and don’t care to know) of its devastation. They don’t care to know the damage that it can do, the successes it can sabotage, the hopes it can dash, the dreams it can destroy. They don’t want to have anything to do with looking at how it fuels and fosters so much of the denial and the resistance they have. They don’t want to know how much it is a consistent answer and response to fear and crisis in a world where you’re not supposed to have those kinds of fears. If you’re afraid of spiders and snakes, OK. But get over it, get past it when it comes to anything more significant or more real. Yours is a world where crisis is a dirty word. Yours is a world where if you have a crisis you’re at least to have the decency to keep it quiet and get over it as fast as you can so others won’t be too disappointed in how humiliating it is that you had a crisis. And so control.”
“LORTNOC”, control spelled backwards, and “ALLOW” are my mantra words of the week. Where can I surrender the need to hold on? Where can I open my heart and mind to possibility? What if……??????? Will uncertainty kill me?
I invite you to join me on the journey. Do you too love control and struggle to let go? I’m embracing uncertainty and I’d love to hear from you.
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From the heart,